Past the X-Piration Date: Alpha

Gather round, kiddies. Let me tell you of a time when the Avengers were just barely members of Marvel's third tier titles and the X-Men ruled the mother-f#%&ing world. In 1992, with two main X-Men titles and no fewer than four ongoing concurrent spin-off titles (nowadays, that is considered a very lean X-line, but back then it was massive), the X-Men summarily crushed any other comic book property that hoped to compete with them. And this hegemony over the known universe reached its zenith when the X-Men finally made their way into people's living rooms with X-Men The Animated Series.

Based around the cast of the then-newly launched "adjectiveless" X-Men volume 2, it subbed out Psylocke (for reasons that probably included racial/cultural iffiness and having a backstory that could actually be explained in a 23 minute runtime without a flow chart) for Storm and Jean Grey and it was the best damn thing! Filled with many different, interesting, compelling characters both as protagonists and antagonists, it presented young viewers with a show that mirrored the vexed sociological minefield of real life and actively combined blatantly progressive social attitudes with kicking all sorts of ass with powers that made you both a wonder and an outcast. Being a nerdy little gayboy who on some level already could tell he wasn't quite in step with those around him, I imprinted on the X-Men for life. Yes, they were the greatest thing ever.

That is until they weren't. About halfway through season 4 they had a four-part epic called "Beyond Good and Evil" that could have easily been a capstone to an excellent series. And yet it continued. Nothing else in season four ever managed to match that amazing high point. And probably against common wisdom, they continued on for one last season after that.

Now, to be fair, their final season starts out more or less well. However, after the first half of the season, the show started to plummet like a stone.  Of course, it probably didn't help that they started it off with a guest character and antagonist who very much demonstrate just how far the animators' reach surpassed their grasp: Warlock and the Phalanx.

The two-part story itself, "The Phalanx," is actually fairly challenging and intriguing for a young mind. It's a story in which the Phalanx (which narratively is a rough merging of the actual Phalanx and the Technarchy) goes about attempting to assimilate the entire earth. In the process, all the X-Men save for Beast is captured. He meets up with the renegade heir apparent of the Phalanx, Warlock, and together the two basically have a life-or-death roadtrip trying to stay one step ahead of the Phalanx and making some unlikely alliances along the way.

And we arrive at why this story fails just so damn hard. Warlock and the Phalanx are techno-organic life forms. Warlock has always been depicted as physically very fluid being, constantly shifting form from panel to panel. The various circuits and mechanical bits that comprise him always in motion. He's less of a solid being than he is a metamorphic creature willed into roughly anthropomorphic shape. Granted, this Warlock can shapeshift like his comic book counterpart does, but he only does it as necessary. Moreover, his standard humanoid form, is incredibly static. The Phalanx is slightly better, but that's mainly because as the villains they can do weird and creepy things, unlike our guest-protagonist Warlock.

In some odd ways, the Phalanx have affects that seem like the story adapters were fond of Star Trek's Borg and Changelings. At one point the Phalanx literally say "resistance is futile." Resistance to what, you might ask? Why resistance to joining the Phalanx collective by merging into the big blob of Phalanx. This is best illustrated with Warlock's lifemate, who was forcibly absorbed into the collective prior to the start of the story. For the record, Warlock's lifemate an invention of the cartoon and he is largely depicted as asexual... unless you count his mergings with Doug Ramsey... up until very recently in continuity, at least 30 years after his initial appearance.

The funny thing about his lifemate though is that as an individual Warlock's lifemate seems coded as traditionally female. I kind of want to point out the oddity that a race of basically living circuitry has a gender binary, except that I keep referring the Warlock as "he," so I guess I don't have a leg to stand on. Once absorbed into the Phalanx however her default form becomes something that I feel fairly certain must be referencing, but I have no idea what. It strikes me as one of those Easter eggs Marvel animators would put in for the savvy viewer, but your guess is as good as mine.

One last nugget before we move on to the rest of the season. Early in the episode, the Phalanx implant themselves in the form of Sabretooth, who allows himself to get captured. Wolverine goes down to the cells to confront his adversary and that's when you notice the colorists just giving up on trying to find where Wolverine's uniform ends and his face begins. Yeah. That goes all the way up to his lips. He swallowed the zipper.

In "A Deal With the Devil," the animation is still relatively okay, but you'll notice that Storm will generally either have her hair in a ponytail or in a submersible uniform. Yeah, this was a shortcut the animators used a lot toward the end of the season. Having her hair pulled back and less vibrant and luscious meant that the animators didn't need to worry about animating all those loose flowing locks. To be fair, though, the art is not why this episode sucks. For that, look no further than the fact that it's trying to make Omega Red happen. It's not going to happen, Marvel. Note that he is effectively a Cold War Era villain... who was first introduced in 1992. For any younglings out there, ask Dr. Internet when the Berlin Wall fell. Yeah, Omega Red isn't a compelling villain in his best moments, but he bears the additional sin of being a villain without a purpose. In a series where all of its heroes and villains all stand for something greater than themselves, he's obsolete from the starting gate.

Next is "No Mutant Is An Island." It was supposed to air during Season 3 between the two Phoenix arcs. However the animation was so bad that they backburnered it and it wasn't for another two years before they both had it fixed and had room in their schedule for it. It's... fine. It's not all that great an episode, but for the standards of X-Men TAS it is presentable. In this one, a grieving Cyclops quits the team and goes to the orphanage he grew up in for... reasons... and rescues four of its current residents when they are adopted by the Purple Man as part of a nefarious plot. Those four orphans are Taki Matsuya (technopath), Tabitha Smith (energy-based "timebomb" creation), Skids (personal force field), and Rusty Collins (pyrokinetic), all members of the short-lived X-Terminators, the latter three later joined the New Mutants, and Tabitha Smith even has been on various incarnations of X-Force. Of course, the animators sided with recognition rather than common sense. In 1996, they have Boom Boom dressed like she just got back from see Tiffany and/or Debbie Gibson live on tour (hint: she looks like the 80s incarnate). Meanwhile, Taki, who is not a superhero, apparently wears casual apparel that would do Flash Gordon or the Rocketeer proud.

So, hilariously, at one point Scott attempts to gain the young Rusty's trust by demonstrating his abilities. He shifts left to right to see if anyone's looking, then instead of doing something small like simply shooting at the ground nearby he fires off a huge blast at an abandoned building. That's the X-Men's master strategist for you. Instead of embracing discretion, he does something that not only must have drawn people's attention but also could have caused a building to collapse and potentially fall on both him and Rusty. Nice going, Cyke.

The Purple Man is an odd choice for a villain, considering this story is begging for Mr. Sinister and Purple Man has no ties to the X-books, as far as I'm aware.

Not much else to say except that Rusty's voice actor sounds ten, but the art makes him look like a 29-year-old with a bad middle-part haircut. Oh, and Taki's powers are referred to as his wheelchair transformation powers, which is so ridiculously amazing that it deserves an award for how hard it fails.

In Longshot... the X-Men help Longshot against Mojo and Spiral. If that sort of thing floats your boat, more power to you. I was bored. But then I started noticing something sounded wrong about Mojo's voice actor. I checked the episode's IMDB page (and it won't be the last time I felt compelled to do so), but it lists the same voice actor as his last appearance in "Mojovision." My only conclusion would be that whoever has been editing the sound, especially on the actors' recordings have changed equipment and can't replicate whatever effect they used in previous seasons. He kind of sounded like a maniacal Bobcat Goldthwait. How he just sounds like a Bobcat Goldthwait.

However, the animation in "Longshot" can not be faulted. It's actually some of the best in the season. In a series where the animation can in hindsight be a little clunky at times, they make Longshot look as effortlessly agile as luck would have it. Of course, if I were a kid watching this (I think I watched it, but Longshot doesn't really hold my attention), I would have been really confused by his demonstration of psychometry. They don't even explain it in the episode. He just does it while they are trying to rescue Jubilee and everyone just accepts that he is speaking with authority instead of asking how he knows this shit. Years later, Layla Miller would just know shit, but everyone will give her grief about the why of it all.

Moreover, there are Warwolves. Okay, they aren't the verbose very anthropomorphic Warwolves of Excalibur, but I appreciate such a late-in-the-series episode is willing to not only bring a weird-ass villain like Mojo back, work in a narrative around Longshot's rebellion, but then even throw in the Warwolves, whom for a first time viewer would just seem like weird, scary metallic wargs. Throw in more of the weird shit, X-Men. More, I say!

"Bloodlines" is all about Rogue and Nightcrawler. At first, I thought I'd be too biased by their inclusion in primary roles to have that much of an objective opinion. Or that's what I thought until I saw the Friends Of Humanity's version of the KKK grand wizard get-ups. Oh, god(s). Fox Kids, what were you thinking? You should have quit when you were ahead instead of trying to pull a fast one on Broadcast Standards and Practices.

What what what are you doing, Fox Kids?

Think of your life! Think of your choices!

Anyway, what we are watching here is a spin on X-Men Unlimited #4, in which the biological relationship between Graydon Creed, Nightcrawler, and Mystique is revealed. Just throw in a dollop of Wolverine having mutant passing privilege issues and a pinch of Jubilee's abandonment issues, having grown up in the foster system, and you more or less have the same story in the broad strokes. Wolverine takes out his resentment of trick-or-treaters by putting on a Beast mask and scaring them. I think it's oddly hypocritical of Logan for begrudging baseline humans for dressing as mutants on Halloween when he made a mask of one of his own friends who is explicitly deprived of the same passing privilege he enjoys. Sidenote: it appears that the kids he scares off are dressed as the original Daredevil, an extremely off-brand looking Spider-Man costume (maybe it's a clone saga variant I'm blissfully ignorant of), and freaking Devil Dinosaur. Oh yeah!

 Of course, as much as I like the fact that this is an episode centering on two of my favorite X-Men, while Rogue is pretty much peak Rogue, TAS Nightcrawler is the genesis of "boring Priest Nightcrawler." He's basically Ned Flanders with a tail. Mystique tries really hard to balance out Kurt's high-handed forgiveness at all costs approach by being boss AF, but even she succumbs to his charms. Even when he's all preachy and priest-y, I'd still fuck Kurt. Though, I'd refuse to do the missionary position so he'll have to go to confession or something.

Holiday greeting cards from Raven are probably very hostile.

Arguably, that was the last of the good episodes. The common wisdom is that it is only the last six issues, but the two-parter that precedes them is such a raging POS that it earns its place. Perhaps I'm being a little harsh on it, but I have issues with a story that does such short shrift to a character by placing them front and center. "Storm Front" as the name might suggest, is a Storm-centric episode in which she is acting wildly out of character from the top. In the first five minutes alone, she's panicky, unable to maintain her composure, and is easily subdued and kidnapped. Granted she seems to do it in a histrionic "no indoor voice" style, which in retrospect is at least her TAS defining trait.

The  It does play into one of Storm's long-standing tropes: the more exalted the villain, the more likely they're going to be into Storm. Our villain du jour is Arkon, ruler of the alternate dimension of Polemachus. Note that those names, transliterations and neologisms aside, translate to "Ruler" and "Warrior Land."

Come, my land has tyranny and all the loin cloths
you can ask for.

He's basically Space Conan. He was even created by Roy Thomas, who is most notable for writing Marvel's Conan comics. As such, he's arrayed in a furry loin cloth and boots that he probably skinned himself, but also a gold chestplate and silly crown that kind of looks Viking by way of the Aztecs, a purple cape, and belts both across the chest and the waist with then-futuristic gizmos and laser pistols holstered on them.

And like any self respecting noble antagonist/warrior space-king, he wants an exotic-looking beauty with Amazonian proportions to be his bride. No, really, in the comics just under the pen of Claremont alone she is sought after by Dr. Doom, Dracula, Loki, and extra-dimensional space-emperor Khan, so this guy is... I don't want to say she has a type, but she definitely attracts a certain type.

Anyway, the reason he kidnaps her is because his world's environment has turned against them and they are in need of a weather manipulator to save the day. Of course, if he'd simply come and asked, I'm sure a compassionate woman like Storm would have acquiesced, but I'm fairly certain there is some psychic whammy going on here. I mean, look at her face. They make a point of having a close up of her early in the episode just to highlight how blue her eyes normally are and then for reasons that defy logic they display... this. I mean, changing her physical features ever so slightly is great visual shorthand to communicate that something is awry, but she just looks wrong. The face... the Animated X-Men, even the women always felt like they were lovingly, laboriously carved into the page, but now Storm's face has been drained of definition, making her look listless and more than a little like a chubby baby.  And her eyes? Those are dead, lifeless eyes, utterly failing to convince the viewer of the illusion that the sequence of 24 frames per second is a living, breathing character.

The animation has eaten her soul.

So, as the first half ends, Storm, probably within hours of being forcibly kidnapped declares her unending love for Arkon and declares that she will remain in the alt.reality as Arkon's queen. As we pick up in the next episode, every one of her rescuer teammates seems fine with this. The only exception being Wolverine, who seems to be the only character that remembers that mental manipulation is an actual thing that happens on the regular in their world. Storm has gone native to show how happy she is here. Also, there's the "happy accident" of her hair being in a ponytail and thus easier to animate. Jubilee is fully supportive, in love with the idea of Storm being a queen, and quite honestly reminds me of the dynamic between Susan and Barbara in the classic Dr. Who story "The Aztecs." Beast and Cyclops fall mainly in the camp of "respecting Storm's decisions." This would be excellent behavior from teammates who have her back if it weren't so clearly she is not in her right mind. Instead, they look like shmucks.

It isn't until it becomes increasingly clear that Arkon his a cruel and sadistic authoritarian who punishes his people at the slightest of perceived slights that his romantic whammy starts to wear off Storm. His people are so downtrodden that they don't even get irises and pupils. Either that or the animators were cutting corners again. Wolvie, Beast and Cyke  team up with freedom fighters while in the palace Jubilee is still in supportive little sister mode as Storm vacillates back and forth on her feelings about Arkon. Good God Get A Grip, Girl!

Even with Arkon's thrall weakened, her face still looks wrong. And what the hell is Jubilee wearing on her head?! From the front, it's a tiara, but in profile, it might be Halloween cat ears. I've heard people describe animated Jubilee as kind of a merging of her and Kitty Pryde, but I never bought it until I noticed how quickly and how badly she took to playing dress-up here. But at least she does have the virtue of telling Jubilee the obvious "he's not worth it," and that's that. Storm puts her hair down, which is shorthand for being all better and she peaces out. End credits.

Remove her rain slicker and she'll find amazing new ways to
be a fashion victim.

Just for a sense of perspective, this is still before the quality goes completely to shit. These last six episodes were ordered last-minute and were not originally budgeted for. In order to cut costs, they were made by a much cheaper, lower quality animation house.

You can immediately tell that something is deeply, wrong even in the opening credits. The traditional opening that highlighting each member of the main cast has been replaced by a sequence of clips from prior episodes. The clip show is one of those television staples that a show has run out of time or money or both, but this wasn't necessary. It's not as though the opening sequence has to be reanimated every single episode. Thus, my theory is that this was an intentional warning from the showrunners that they cobbled together after seeing what they had to work with just to give viewers a hint of the shitshow that laid before them.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and any multitudinous designations that do not fit a gender binary, welcome to "Jubilee's Fairytale Theatre." This is one of the show's many attempts to try to directly retell one of the classic Claremont stories, "Kitty's Fairytale." The problem being that premise aside, these are nothing alike. "Kitty's Fairytale" is basically a fairytale retelling (told to Colossus' baby sister as a bedtime story) of the Dark Phoenix Saga with a happy ending and included heroic swashbuckling pirates (pirates were fairly on-trend in the 80s) as its protagonists, Jubilee's Fairytale Theatre is quite the different animal, as we shall see.

As this episode begins, you might be wondering, "did I turn on Captain Planet by mistake? And how did Gi get her hands on Jubilee's signature ray-bans (remember ray bans, you guys)?" But no, you're still in the right show... technically. Yeah, the animation is drastically different, but hey at least we have a silver lining of having the animation actually making Jubilee look like her appropriate racial background. So progress...(?). Also, she seems to have grown 8 inches overnight. Yeah, the original airdates between this and the previous episode were a week apart, so this had to have been jarring as fuck. I vaguely remember young seventh grade David watching this and wondering if I was taking crazy pills or something.

The new animators must have never been given any visual
references for Jubilee. 

The rest of the team has gone out on assignment including the Professor who had made a commitment to a local elementary school to show a local group of elementary students the cave formations beneath the estates. So, being that Xavier is a jerk with a penchant for childhood endangerment, he saddles Jubilee with his responsibilities. Aside from the fact that he left a  group of kids in the hands of a minor who tends to accidentally blow things up when she's upset, you also need to take into consideration that their parents signed permission slips with the understanding that they were entrusting their children in the hands of mature adults... mature adults who have Act 33 clearances and experience leading tourists through potentially dangerous environments, such as treacherous caves that just happen to turn out to be seismically active. In Upstate New York. Just go with it everybody.

Jubilee is less than pleased to be here, naturally, so she's reading fairly listlessly from a guide book. Somehow, an earthquake happens in New York. I'm just going to let it pass because they needed some sort of contrivance why Jubilee of all people would be both trusted with children and willing to BS a fairy tale on the fly. If you need an example of how this episode dates itself, note the tone of wonder one of her young charges has at the sight of the cutting edge beeper she uses to contact her teammates.

Were these kids were bused in from Stepford, Conn.?

Jubilee manages to completely hide the fact that they've been caved in from them by suggesting that the kids all sit in a circle. And oh my god do these kids not exist in any feasible reality. They're just all so twee. There are the girls that immediately ask if there will be handsome princes and true love in the story only to be countered by boys who say "True love? Yuck." Oh and the boys are twins, so of course, they say it in unison. And I owe an apology to Storm's animator in the last episode. I thought her eyes were dead and lifeless. And then I watched "Jubilee's Fairytale Theater" and it totally reset the bell curve.

I've seen more effort in PowerPoint Documents. 

Jubilee's story has some pretty lazy exposition. Story book pages with cheap sparkly transitions that I could probably whip up after a five minute tutorial with Windows Movie Maker. It sets up Scott and Jean and the good prince and princess... who will have little bearing on the plot, the macguffin of the story is the MacTaggart crystal, and our villain is the unfathomably evil wizard Magnus the Malevolent. Yeah, Jubilee seems to be forgetting all the times Magneto has allied with the X-Men or at least been on uneasy truce terms with them, which I think actually outweighed his outright antagonistic appearances by the end of the series.
So we leave bad transition land and enter into a generic road in a forest. There we find that

The best mullet in all the Seven Kingdoms

Gambit is playing a rogue whose metal bo staff gives him +2 sexterity. He flees from metal suit henchmen with Magneto helmets for heads and could have been repurposed henchmen from the Felix the Cat movie. He happens upon some kindly peasants who resemble Longshot, and her adoptive parents who haven't been seen since "Night o the Sentinels." Something tells me a kid would need a keen eye to pick up on Longshot here, though how many four-fingered blonde mulleted characters could there possibly be? And it's only because I sat through multiple viewings that I'm about 75% positive about the other two being the foster parents. I'm guessing since we're plumbing Jubilee's subconscious in this story, it is only reasonable that guys she has recently crushed on and people who have treated her as family should work their way into the narrative.

Magneto's off-brand Doombots

The kindly NPC's attempt to hide Remy under the hay in their wagon but the "Clankers" catch up with them. At that moment, what should happen buytthey are rescued by a messianic hero that the Clankers think is a myth peasants tell themselves. And so we meet Jubilee's author avatar/Mary Sue character. She's the best of the best without any real struggle, instead of low level fireworks, her powers are treated like potent lightning bolts, and say, is it just my imagination or does she have hella large breasts that she doesn't have in real life? Well, I guess that's what middle-aged straight white men in a writers' room think a 15-year-old would include in an idealized version of herself. Of course, maybe it's just my imagination. I would go back and double check, but examining the cleavage of an underage girl in a children's cartoon sounds like a sketchy way to spend your free time.

Her greatest magical treasure is her wonderbra

She's so invested in making her self-insert character an unrepentant 90's hero protagonist that she speaks in nothing but quips (whether they are clever is up for debate) while she fights and even has her own lame catchphrase: "Getting out of tight places is what I do." Undoubtedly, it's intended to be Jubes' kinder, gentler version of Wolverine's catchphrase. Also, she seems to be an elf. I'm wondering if the writers were intentionally poking fun at fanfic writers in this episode. Or maybe they actually bought someone's fanfic just to save time.

Being a fanfic protagonist, she is the best, most perfect Jubilee elf playing as ranger that ever was and single-handedly takes down all the villainous clankers. Then the party is joined by Trollverine. And oh my god(s) this is amaztupid. He's green from head to toe, has tusks, wears tattered shreds of his usual attire rendered into a kilt, hood, and harness, which makes me think he's a submissive at Ye Olde Leather Bar, and has broken shackles on his wrists like my old My Pet Monster doll. It's fairly remarkable. Additionally, he speaks with an odd sort of lisp that makes him sound like a congested Bessie Higgenbottom. The stuffed up nose might be due to the giant ring pierced through his septum. Oh, and he's Jubilee's sidekick.

His day job is cage dancer at the popular troll bar, The Tannery.

Just for reference, this is his analogue in Kitty's fairy tale.

So it turns out Gambit is relevant to the plot because he was hired by the bad guy to steal half of the macguffin (it's kind of a triforce deal, so whoever gets both half is all powerful yadda yadda), but he hid it instead. Jubilee clearly knows what's what because not only is her story version of Gambit morally ambiguous and self-serving at best, but he's also a creeper, hitting on Jubilee as he offers to show her where he hid the crystal. Yeah, Jubilee is 15 in this series. Gambit: total creeper, habitual liar, AND a pedo. Yeah, if you're going to read my X-related posts, just accept and embrace the fact that I think Gambit is the worst of the traditionally accepted X-Men.

He leads Jubilee and Trollverine (he's called "Logan" in the story, but I'm sticking with my wording) to a poor man's cave of wonders-- no really, it's a cavern laden with treasures that has not one but two entries that resemble giant heads and I think the only reason they don't resemble tiger heads is to avoid a "cease and desist" letter from Disney -- where Jubilee immediately gets distracted by a gem encrusted diadem.

The Poor Man's Cave of Wonders has not one, but two
security check-points.

And oh my gods Sabretooth! I have no words! None. He looks like one of Sid's Frankenstein'd action figures in Toy Story. Creed's head was ripped off his action figure and stapled onto Grizzlor's, from Masters of the Universe. Just bask in the glow of this ridiculousness for a moment, everybody.

The head transplant was a success... after a fashion

Back in reality, even with with application of shaky cam, these kids still have no idea that they are in any kind of danger. These kids are a special kind of stupid. Is this what the story writers thought of children? If you were the target age demo when this aired, you should take it as an indictment. The area is destabilizing and Jubilee convinces the kids to go for a little walk up not an incline, but a fairly professionally installed-looking set of stairs in the cave just in time for an underground river to burst through the rocks and flood the area they were just in. The just left the chamber when the water rushes in. Believe it or not, showrunners, kids notice shit. And they're really good at picking up on things when adults don't want them to notice.

After the commercial break, Jubilee has led the kids into a dead end, but goes back and blasts some rocks down from overhead in order to stopper off the water level. I'm just not going to address the fact that she could have quite easily have accidentally caused the entire cavern ceiling to collapse on her and the children because the episode relies so heavily on Jubilee's fanfic insert character playing in god mode that we can only assume the writers were writing the actual Jubilee that way too.

The kids ask her to resume her paint by numbers fantasy story. Even if this hadn't been prior to the era of smart phones and portable devices, the kids wouldn't be getting reception down there and would simply be incapable of amusing themselves without external stimulation, since we've raised a generation of children who have had iPads instead learning to amuse themselves during long car rides, camping trips, etc. They'd be as desperate for something, anything to hold their attention that this stupid story is a point of focus.

After another cheap looking storybook page to remind us what was happening before the commercial break, we find ourselves back in the ye old Money Bin where we last saw Jubilee and company being confronted by a yeti wearing a Sabretooth mask. Jubilee singlehandedly takes him down with all the pathos of Sonic the Hedgehog and they get the hell out of dodge before his backup dancers, more of Magnus' Clankers (btw, they're animated suits of armor, which makes me really want to watch Bedknobs and Broomsticks now) can do much other than levy some threats.

Having made it out of the cave with their half of MacTaggart crystal, Jubilee's party is joined by the floating disembodied head of Oz the Great and Powerful  Jambi  Xavier the All-Knowing. He announces that Jubilee is the chosen one destined to save them all. Ye gods, for such a departure from the original "Kitty's Fairytale," this episode is utterly devoid of original ideas. Then Xavier just disappears. Yeah, his inclusion in the narrative felt organic and motivated.

Meka leka hi meka hiney ho!

Anyway, the gang walks off-screen to actively fulfill Xavier's prophesy, then a rat scurries down and transforms into a mage and tells nobody in particular that he's off to inform his master of what he has heard. I think this is supposed to be Morph's analogue. I tried to figure it out on IMDB based on the episode's voice cast, but only four actors are credited in this episode. I guess it was either remove their names or let everyone list themselves as Alan Smithee.

The heroes break into Magnus' palace and find their way to Magnus' half of the crystal just in time for Magnus to shut them down. Magneto as a LARP sorcerer is a revelation. I kind of want to cosplay as this. No, really, I'm actually being serious. Most of the character designs go so hard for fanciful that they overshoot their target and land on silly, but Magnus' design is such a fantastic blend of things that seem like they should feel ridiculous that they work incredibly well together. The drape and flow of his cape is amazing, especially when he's in flight. His arch cowl brings to mind a lot of 80's high fantasy, his large grometed pauldrons are simply perfect. He's got pointed wizard shoes, guys! Plus look at that visage. Even just from the neck up, he's a wonder to behold. He's got long 80's metal band power hair, a goatee of evil, and they even worked the stylized horseshoe "hood ornament" of Magneto's helmet into his circle- crown. Let's face it, gentle readers-- I have a strong contender for my next Halloween costume.

Magneto's got swag.

Magnus takes both halves of the crystal, and fail fail fail. Okay, animators. Did you guys even read the script? These are supposed to be two halves of one precious stone. The script even goes so far as to refer to them as shards. And yet these are clearly two discrete precious stones, identical gems both of which processed into a baguette cut. Gem cutting wasn't even a thing that could be accomplished until the 18th Century, by the way.

Magneto loves man handling his stones

He only uses his Clankers to restrain Jubilee however because he needs her to enact his plan. Jubilee is the key to unlocking the power of the crystal and he threatens the life of her stalwart trollfriend in order to ensure her compliance, ensnaring him it what I think it supposed to be giant amoeba made of quicksilver that seems to want to strangle him. I feel like this specific is a plot point gets reused in the third act a lot of kids' animated adventures, but my mind immediately goes to the Care Bears Nutcracker. Yeah, I'm plumbing the depths of things I'm willing to admit I've watched enough to be able to cite them. So Jubilee basically uses her fireworks to power the crystal, delivering unto our villain his ultimate objective.  Now Magnus has no further need of his henchmen, he blows them to pieces. Yeah, it seems like we're supposed to read that as his cruelty, but they were suits of armor his own will was animating. It's like pulling your arm out of a hand puppet and expecting to be treated like he disemboweled someone.

He refuses to uphold his side of the bargain to free Trollverine, so she unleashes her powers on him at full voltage. He taunts her, declaring that she's only making her stronger, but it seems that was the idea. She has turned his suit into an electric magnet, drawing anything metal, even if it's bolted to the wall. Nuts, bolts, discarded armor, torch sconces, etc fling themselves at him, knocking him to the ground. I guess we're playing by "king of the mountain" rules because him falling on his ass is good enough for a conclusion.

We cut back to reality where apparently Jubilee used her actual fireworks to get the kids out of the cave (is the Xavier School open about their mutant status in TAS's version of continuity?). Cyke, Gambit, and Wolvie are there to meet them in their civvies. And for some reason it was determined that Gambit's idea of what to wear at a plain clothes rescue/excavation mission is strikingly similar to what he wears out on date night. Although considering Cyke is dressed for a night with his bowling league, maybe we can assume that they both would rather be somewhere else. Also, just in case you've gotten used to the cheaper quality of the animation, Logan, Remy, and Scott are here to remind you. The rest of the story looks positively photo-realistic compared to how they're rendered here. There is no effort beyond what is minimal. They didn't even draw in the blacks of Gambit's eyes. Maybe the animator was a "Third Summers Brother Gambit" truther and wanted them to have matching eyes. Regardless, this is how I'd expect to see them drawn in a tie-in activity book or maybe even on the back of a Burger King Kid's Club box, but not in something that a director/editor/showrunner/producer to look at and say, "yes, this is fit for public consumption.

Unfinished art that accidentally made it to broadcast

Somehow, despite being provided any visual aids or any reason to associate her story with reality, one of the kids identifies Wolverine as "Logan the Troll." I'm assuming Wolverine just let it roll off his back, but what the hell is that kid's problem? You just don't go around calling people you've just met trolls... I mean, unless you're dealing with an asshat on an internet forum.

With the kids waiting for their bus at the steps of the X-Mansion, Jean Grey seems surprised (disappointed?) that the kids don't seem to have mental states that reflect intense trauma. Jean Grey is a glass half empty kind of person. Wouldn't you be if you were stuck with Scott when you could be out consuming the cosmos?

The kids ask Jubilee to finish her story. Note that she completely skips over the actual end of the climax she was working on earlier. We just skip to the afterparty at the castle. Apparently a very shrill-voiced Jean is all a'twitter at the prospect of making Jubilee a princess and playing Julie Andrews to Jubilee's Anne Hathaway. As shrill as Queen Jean is, King Scott is so droningly bland that I'm fairly certain this is meta-commentary. Ye gods, what the hell is wrong with Scott's face? Where is his upper lip?! Is it hiding in his big ugly turban?

Is there no low point in the Uncanny Valley?

Jubilee slips out, stepping out of the gown she had been wearing with her elfin costume underneath it and runs off to have adventures with her buddies as we transition back to reality to see the vermin children driving off in their bus, eager to come again to hear another story. Really, kids? It didn't even qualify as "okay." Maybe they're all life model decoys of real kids who've been programmed to be impressed  by anything. Jean and the Professor, meanwhile are pleased with Jubilee's ability to manage a crisis singlehandedly, but probably nowhere near as much as Jubilee is pleased with herself.

Guys, this has been a lot of fun, but this article is massive and we still have five more incredibly badly animated episodes to go. I'm afraid we'll have to finish up this journey into facepalms another time.

Come back in two weeks for the next issue of "Batman : Under the Red Hood."