The Never-Ending Final Boss Battle

Well, here we are with the final installment of DC's Crisis on Infinite Earths. This blog started out as other than Crisis. Do not underestimate what that means to me. No more twelve issue epics! No more cast of thousands clusterfucks! No more poorly paced editorially mandated chess piece storytelling! I feel like dancing. Hi diddly dee! An actors life for me!... Oh wait, I still have to sit down and write my thoughts on the final issue. Shit. Sit down everybody. This is probably going to hurt.
This started as a project of me summarizing the first few issues of the series to my boyfriend on a 6 hour road trip to visit my folks, then writing them down afterwards so I could properly gather my thoughts. Wrapping up the series at long last gives a sense of freedom. I can read something

I'm just going to get this out of the way now: this isn't working as a cover for the final issue of an epic 12-issue event. It doesn't sell that sense of climactic urgency it should have at this point. Just because the main antagonist is huge, that doesn't imply that the scope of the issue is. This is supposed to be the final issue of the series that redefined the cosmology of the DC Universe for a quarter century. It should give the sense that the fate of the whole universe rests on the edge of a knife. Instead, it's just a bunch of heroes smashing a giant monster. It feels routine, like Anti-Monitor is still referring to the Rita Repulsa Playbook.

It reminds me a lot of the first issues of Fantastic Four and Justice League of America, where the heroes are basically fighting kaiju monsters on the cover. If that were intentional, I might be able to find some reason to appreciate it, since the founding of the Justice League was really the moment that gave birth to DC's shared universe... and now we behold last final gasps of air of the cumbersome, convoluted serpent it nursed in its bosom.

If I disregard it's editorial context, the art isn't bad. Although, I do find it a little busy. I think the culprit would have to be the crosspatch of black lines that make up the cityscape in the background. Granted, most of the lines do draw the eye to the central focal point of the page, but there is just so many of them that they come into conflict with the lead to the focal point that the flying heroes are creating with their motions. They distract from one another. Removing the cityscape could have done this issue a world of good. Otherwise, it's fine.

So remember last issue when that handful of characters with whom I wasn't familiar enoughto care about found the lifeless Brainiac ship adrift in space? Well, they're back! And this time, Wolfman was good enough to give me a quick blurb about each of them, so I have at least some context for each one. Still, it's a bit of a failure to captivate. Yes, there is Adam Strange, who we saw way back in issue #4 of  the series and was kind of hilarious when he appeared on Young Justice. And there's Rip Hunter, with whom I'm pretty familiar from Legends of Tomorrow (and ye gods, do I need to take a brief sidebar about how he looks here), but for the most part, this is a group of characters with whom I have only the most cursory of familiarity or less. Dolphin had a pointless cameo that led to nothing a while back. I've at least heard of Animal Man, although his description here makes him sound like Vixen plus a Y chromosome. Atomic Knight and Captain Comet? Sorry, I got nothing.

So, as for the pressing diatribe I need to have about Rip Hunter's personal appearance in this era? What other way can I summarize it other than "Flash! Ah-ah!! He's a miracle!" Granted, he looks more like something out of the old comics or the tv serials and not the glorious piece of 80's shlock that I hold so dearly. Still, I feel like this is both warranted and necessary...

Yeah, it was either this clip or the opening scene. I had to make a judgement call and this better reflected how silly and pointless this moment is in the comics. Why, you ask, do I find it silly and pointless? Well because it mainly serves to reiterate what we learned from them last issue. Namely that they found Brainiac and his vessel lifeless in space. That covers the pointless. As for silly, they over-dramatically infer that maybe, just maybe, Brainiac isn't dead after all. No shit, Sherlock! Were they deluded enough to think the reader would buy the fakeout of an off-panel death for one of their key character's chief antagonists? I am convinced this entire sequence could be re-drawn with everyone with derp-face and it would actually improve that reveal. But yeah, their assertion is that he's only sleeping. Like when your dog is only sleeping before your dad takes him to a farm upstate.

The gears start a whirling, and the ship reanimates Brainiac. Amazingly enough, they somehow manage to wrangle one of the archest of villains in the DCU into assisting them without really holding any leverage over him to do so. A couple issues back, the Spectre had to step in as a literal deux ex machina in order to get everyone to cooperate again, but this list of C-Listers somehow have the right stuff. This turn happens over the course of one page. That's roughly about a minute-long interaction. Animal Man makes a reference to Star Trek as Brainiac's vessel blasts off in search of even more assistance. I'm a bit confused, honestly. I didn't realize that they were actively seeking him out and specifically to the end of requesting aid. Imminent danger creates strange bedfellows, I understand, but as far as these characters realize, there is no immediate threat, at least as far as they are aware. There is no reason for them to form this alliance.

We cut to Perez' favorite thing to draw in Crisis multiple panels of the Earth. It is surrounded by a swirling vortex of pink evil antimatter clouds. It appears the Earth has been plucked from its orbit and brought, "Here to this burning cosmic hell. Here to this place of death." Note that it only says that the Earth was, not the entire universe. Again, another instance where we see just how oversold the Anti-Monitor was back when we first met him. There are tiers of supervillainy and Anti-Monitor's tier is so high above what the heroes of Earth can muster that he by all rights should be Lovecraftian, treating the collective resistance of one planet with all the intensity of a swarm of gnats, among many. He could summarily throw the entire dimension into his little hellscape. Instead, he keeps going out of his way to stick it to the same few flies he can't manage to swat.

We pick up here exactly where we left last time, meaning that Anti-Monitor is still projected in the sky looking like a very cheap version of the 80s equivalent of of computer generated 3-D imaging. Apparently, Anti-Monitor dislodged the Earth from its orbit because it alone had an anti-matter shield. Okay. Since when? I'll acknowledge that the hard reboot that reality has suffered means that the protective pocket dimension the Monitor used to rescue the five remaining realities is no longer in play. However, it makes no sense in the rebooted, condensed continuity for the Earth to be the only one with protections against antimatter. Nobody remembers the Crisis except for the heroes, who were still sussing out the cobbled together continuity and hadn't even given a thought to preparing for phase umpteen hundred of the Anti-Monitor's strategy. Either the whole of reality should have been still safeguarded or it all should have been vulnerable. I know multiversal designations go by Earth-1, Earth-2, etc., but they are referring to whole dimensions populated with alien races who generally tend to outclass Earth's technology. I refuse to believe Apokalips and New Genesis had weaker planetary defenses than the planet that in 1984 had only just acknowledged it had a hole in its ozone layer and would have thought dial-up internet was futuristic.

From on high, Anti-Monitor monologues about how this little blue mudball somehow keeps managing to thwart him where countless dimensions were devoured and consumed helpless and how they've only made their end worse by prolonging it. Again, this feels odd that as a quasi-deity, he feels the need to deliver a lengthy verbal smackdown to, comparatively, a bunch of ants. And now all I can think of is an especially vindictive homeowner gloating to himself as he sets up a bug bomb, only to accidentally get sick from inhaling the pesticides.

The speed force prohibits
internal monologues.

Interesting little side note: during his diatribe, Anti-Monitor mentions that Supergirl and Flash died fighting him. I like how the series has made a point of not letting us forget that Barry's sacrifice went unremarked. So, it makes the quick cut to Wally's reaction feel deserved. Finally the heroes know the final fate of their fellow companion. Of course why Wally shouts out asking how he died and where his remains are, as though expecting Anti-Monitor to interrupt his proclamation to take questions, is a bit of a head scratcher.

Once he's done speechifying, he disappears along with the evil antimatter cloud, which seems to have been the sole form of natural source lighting as the entire world turns pitch black. It's only because of their super-vision that they can see that, as happens whenever there is no light in a major metropolitan area, chaos ensues. We see a few images of mass panic, but it's probably safe to assume there is also looting.

Just to be on the safe side, say five "Our Fathers" and two
Hail Marys."

Harbingers appears before the two Supermen, and recruits them. They are ready to take Anti-Monitor out. MORE IMPORTANTLY... Next we see another one of Harbingers split selves recruiting the best DC character in Crisis, Dr. Kimiyo Hoshi, aka Dr. Light. She seems to have undergone some character development since she is far more unsure of herself since last we saw her as a featured character. This is because during Supergirl's battle against the Anti-Monitor, Kimiyo called out to her at a crucial moment and Anti-Monitor delivered the killing blow while she was distracted. Harbinger reassures her that Supergirl was already dying and Dr. Light only helped end her suffering sooner. Thus reassured, they peace out, leaving fellow Japanese superhero Sunburst all by his lonesome.

Elsewhere, the Challengers of the Unknown are still just standing around doing the whole Greek chorus thing as they behold a veritable armada of the Anti-Monitor's shadow demons. After 12 issues of this series, I'm starting to realize why certain "new to me" characters strike a chord with me right away and others feel pointless: agency and purpose. Take Dr. Light, who is amazing. Even before the Monitor imbued her with powers, she was empowered. She suffered no fools, was actively pursuant in her personal science mission, and showed a whole lot of personality in a relatively brief amount of panel time. Meanwhile, I think this is the third time we've encountered them in this series and I still have very little idea of who they are as individuals. At least with Rip Hunter's ragtag team out in space, they all have a little chance to show some personality and be active protagonists in their subplot. These guys just keep on being utilized to point shit out and declare how important it is. That requires an entire superhero team. Marvel just uses one alien who lives on the moon. Just saying...

Who needs a character arc when you can settle for staring at things intensely?

Speaking of Uatu, I just want to mention that the more i look at them, the more I can't help but notice that they bear a striking resemblance to what the Fantastic Four would look like if they hadn't had that run-in with cosmic rays. The team girl is a dead ringer for Sue. The big, stocky guy could be Ben Grimm whenever we see him in human form. Ye gods, and he's named Rocky. This can't be a coincidence can it? One of these guys is named Prof, so that takes care of Reed, and both the blond guy and the ginger guy could easily be mistaken for Johnny. One of them is even a pilot. A quick search on Wikipedia reveals that they were created by Jacky Kirby. Well, now all the puzzle pieces are falling into place.

From here, we have about two and a half pages of padding in which we see heroes around the globe combating shadow demons and doing protect and rescue missions. I have to assume the rescuers are having a higher rate of success than the shadow demon combatants. If you'll remember my recap of issue #1, it's basically shadow boxing.

Hey look! Blue Devil is back on Earth. Well, now I can sleep easy at night knowing he made it back after we left him hanging four issues ago. As an extension of the series' overarching failure to establish a cohesive POV is its tendency to introduce significant characters into the narrative who seem like they're going to be major players, only for their stories to wander off with a note from the editor telling them where to read the continuation of their narratives. I get it. Comic companies want your money. It's the way of the world. That being said, if you're going to do that, take a moment to re-introduce those characters back into the narrative so that readers like me who either aren't picking up every comic on the store shelves or are reading this literally decades later aren't left scratching their heads.

A few mystically-inclined heroes, including Deadman, seem to be gathering to protect the Spectre, who is apparently comatose and hovering over Harbinger's staging area after his big confrontation against the Anti-Monitor. I'm guessing he's still going to prove to be an important element for the conclusion of the story, since they are focusing their powers on safeguarding him. I actually like Deadman, at least the way he's written here. He has this worldly wise, kind of flippant attitude and a beta male energy that keeps him from coming across like quite such a grizzled loner as his M.O. would suggest. .

What's the use of being on guard duty if you can't warn anyone?

Harbinger in the meanwhile, has assembled a pretty large team of heroes and is discussing with them the importance of putting differences aside and working as a team to save the day. Friendship is magic, right? Jade takes a moment to explain why her father, Green Lantern Alan Scott, is over at The Tower of Fate with the other magic heroes. It really comes out of nowhere without any prompting and it comes across like she's telling us that her dog at her homework. Alexander is now fully charged with antimatter again and uses it to break through the barrier of evil antimatter clouds and teleport our cast of characters through. All the while, Deadman, who is still with the magic heroes watches as apparently one of the shadow demons (it just looks like a bunch of squiggly parallel lines) seems to rush away, potentially giving Anti-Montor an early warning of what the heroes are up to, which I'm honestly not clear on.

Far away, in space, Brainiac has taken his new-found allies to someone who can help on a planet that looks like an industrial fire. Oh, of course. This is Apokalips. Who else would be in an A-List villain's rolodex but other A-List villains. Hey Darkseid. How's tricks? You may recall back in issue 8 having a page-long visit with Darkseid where he might as well directly addressed the reader and says he's too good for this story. I'm annoyed that the scene cuts off with his reveal because I really want to see Darkseid react to getting forcibly dragged into this narrative at the 11th hour.


Back on Earth, Hawk and Dove are on a rescue mission when Dove gets impaled from behind by a shadow demons. That has to be an extra twist in the knife. Not only was he killed, but he was killed by a literally nameless, faceless henchman.

At least these guys will have a bit of payoff from spending
so much time staring intensely

Over at the Tower of Fate, all the mystic heroes are ready for their part of the final mission. They also have one hanger on monitoring the news named Johnny Thunder. I know nothing about Johnny Thunder, but I can say that he and Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen probably go to the same tailor. We get a pretty cool image of all the mystic heroes channeling their powers into Doctor Occult and OG Green Lantern. We don't know what they are doing, but it looks like it's going to be massive in scope. Sidebar: Doctor Occult's Mystic Symbol of the Seven might have been produced by the Umbrella Corporation.

Next stop, Qward. Yeah, things didn't exactly go smoothly the last time our heroes were here. Kryptonians are vulnerable here and Supergirl died here, so I'm expecting some scenes of self-doubt. They attempted to use Pariah's tragedy magnet powers to act as a compass to find Anti-Monitor, but there is just too much evil all around them for it to work.

Well, considering you're retired, and a minor,
and apparently dying...

But hey, who invited the kid? Yeah, apparently Wally West stowed away. That was Wally zipping into the group, not a shadow warrior. He sounds a bit miffed that he wasn't invited along, since they now know the Anti-Monitor killed Barry and Wally thinks he ought to be included in bringing back his remains. It's actually a good surprise, but with so much going on in this series, I feel like we needed another moment with Wally earlier to set up this surprise a little better. He is pretty snippy about not being tapped for this mission, but considering we later find out (and were earlier hinted at a few issues ago) that he is dying of cancer that gets aggravated when he uses his speed, perhaps they were right not to utilize him. Yet again.

Suddenly, they see a vision of The Flash. Remember during Barry's big sacrifice when he saw flashes of friends? This is one of them. It fades away, but Wally can still see traces of the after image and runs after it and finds his empty costume and ring as well as a now fully cray cray Psycho-Pirate hysterically begging the red suit for aid as though it were really Barry.

Guys, quit grieving. The plot is off the starboard bow!

Suddenly, Pariah's Canary in the coal mine sense starts tingling and we turn the page... and we get a final splash page of the Anti-Monitor rambling on about the wanton doom of all things again. [Sidebar: he's still gigantic, like he was during the last climactic fight, if not even moreso, so I have to question if people in the DCU have a widespread inability to use peripheral vision, detect background noise, or feel the ground shake under their feet] Oh, wait. Did I say final splash page? My mistake. We're only halfway through this sucker. Apparently, this series thinks a double sized issue is literally two issues taped together.

This might as well have been followed
with an intermission sign.
"Let's all go to the lobby..."

Before I continue, I feel like I really need to go back to another bugbear I have about Anti-Monitor. Not only has he been fairly ineffectual to the point that I've been comparing him to Rita Repulsa a lot (I resisted the urge to compare Dove's death to the Pink Power Ranger getting killed by a Putty, or at least I did until now), but we cannot deny the fact that Anti-Monitor isn't an engaging villain. A good villain doesn't think he's a villain. Magneto just wants to safeguard his species. Dr. Doom just wants to run his country and prove how much better he is at everything than that fool Richards. Lex Luthor (at least post-Crisis) wants to prove that humanity doesn't need to be protected by demi-gods. They're all rooted in their relatable  human goals, albeit often flawed ones. Then there are the characters like Batman's rogues gallery, the majority of which are damaged and ultimately tragic. When they retconned away Mr Freeze's backstory so that he was never trying to save his wife, he was just psychotically fixated on some random lady, I was genuinely upset and thought it cheapened the character. That's how important an understandable villain is. But what is the Anti-Monitor? He is literally just evil incarnate. Hell, they brought an evil detector with them. He has no traits a reader can identify with, he isn't exactly a charming scenery chewer like Mr. Sinister or the Joker, he doesn't even have a feasible objective like Apocolypse or Darkseid. He's just there to be someone everyone of all walks of life can punch. They even made sure he had no body so that characters can wail on him for hours on end without the Comics Code Authority complaining about the blood. If you took a Tickle Me Elmo, switched it to Punch Me Elmo and the voicebox played proclamations of your inevitable doom, you'd have the Anti-Monitor.

Okay, now that I'm done with that rant... for now... let's get back to the story. We leave the heroes with Anti-Monitor in his Super Ultimate Digevolution and check in back on Earth. We see Aquaman and his crew fighting shadow demons underwater with a casualty in the form of Lori the Mermaid. I have to wonder how central to the line certain deaths are based on whether they happen in montage sequences or are given their own scenes. I know today, Aquaman has become a bit of a cheap shortcut to a punchline, but he is one of DC's Big Seven, rules his own kingdom, has a fantastically Arthurian-inspired backstory, and at least in this era, can hold his head high for never having stooped to using a harpoon as a hand. However, amidst all the deaths in this issue, we have a full scene devoted to the fall of an Atlantian character who bears the name of Lori the Mermaid. And this is the second time one of his supporting characters have been offed with this amount of special attention. It makes me wonder whether they were a) fan favorites, b) creative team favorites, or c) editorially mandated.

Not even mass casualties will interrupt the Olympics of Staring Contests.

The next scene is a a fantastic two page layout ithat intersplices the Mystic Heroes' efforts with a variety of heroes protecting civilians on the street. Yeah, there's a sizable body count here. Green Arrow-2 gets impaled in the very first panel of the sequence. Robin-2 and Kole of the Teen Titans try to rescue Huntress, who is trapped under the rubble of a fallen building. Kole throws up a crystal dome barrier, but nobody in this series seems to get the essential problem of fighting an incorporeal foes. Instead of protecting Huntress she effectively traps all three of them for the shadow demons to kill without hindrance. Smart move, Kole. How did you make it to #13 on Ranker's list of Teen Titans?  Clayface and the Bug-Eyed Bandit are taken out too, but I think the roughest death in this scene has to go to Prince Ra-Man, who by all rights would have been better off contributing his services at the Tower of Fate, but instead looks like he gets sliced clean in half at the waist. I'm thankful this was back when the CCA still had some modicum of control over how graphic violence and gore could be.

Plan B was Mega Maid from Spaceballs.

All while this is going on, the two page layout's center is dominated by the image of all the mystic characters focusing their powers while basked in a green glow. Visually, it amounts to them all staring really hard at Dr. Occult and Alan Scott, who are staring really hard at each other. But then finally, the Mystic Heroes efforts reach fruition and a mystically enhanced chain of Green Lantern energy spreads across the globe gathering up all the shadow demons in a giant net and throwing them out into space.

Eventually, writers will realize that dickishness and heroism
aren't mutually exclusive.

With Earth out of danger, or at least less imperiled,  we return to the main event in Qward. Everybody is smashing and blasting, but it doesn't seem to be effective at all. Sound familiar? Yeah, that was issue #10, minus the mystically enhanced Spectre ex machina to lend an assist. However, unlike then or their ill-fated previous trip to Qward, Harbinger actually has a plan. Yeah, it took her a year in publication to realize that a united show of force is nothing without a strategy. The linch pins of her strategy are Dr. Light and Alex Luthor. Dr. Light absorbs the power of a neighboring binary star. I suppose that Anti-Monitor is also using it as a power supply because doing so drains him. Next, Alex uses his biological affinity towards antimatter to siphon off our villain's own energy. All the while, his tired villainy ramblings continue.

Now that he's weakened, Negative Woman wraps herself around Anti-Monitor binding him into place and more than likely infecting him with her radioactive touch. Ye gods, I just realized this is a final boss battle in a video game. It's like X-Men Legends or Avengers Ultimate Alliance. The party is pitted against a gargantuan foe, before we can do any damage, first we have to cut off his power source, and now we're applying multiple debuffs in one strike, which both cuts into his agility and causes damage over time. Well thus weakened, the rest of the party lines up for a Care Bear Stare and yay for teamwork! The Final Boss'  first form has been KO'd! And just in time soon. Even a seasoned hero would be taxed siphoning off an entire sun, so it's impressive that she had all that power contained as long as she did. She released all the energy, delivery the final blow to Anti-Monitor, embedding him into the crust of a nearby asteroid.

Danger's over, right?

Hell, no! But the comic sure wants to fool you.

You know when a toddler throws a tantrum when he clearly
needs a nap, but doesn't want it? Yeah. I'm so over this guy.

Well, Alexander re-opens a portal back to the positive matter universe wide enough to get the Earth through, but I suppose an opening that large expends a lot of mana because it expends all his energy and there is a ticking clock to get through the portal before it seals itself shut. The Earth gets through safely and is restored to its original orbit. The heroes then start flying toward the opening when we see life return to the Anti-Monitor's eye. The mystically ensnared collection of shadow demons is drawn to Qward. He completely drains them all of their life force in order to repower himself. Again, that feels like something out of a boss battle.

Okay, villain points for killing one of the Big Three.
You did something right, Anni.

That being said, his actions are pretty bad ass, taking out Wonder Woman-1 with a single blast, but his dialogue paints Anti-Monitor as having become truly become utterly pathetic, outright declaring that he doesn't care about consuming the last positive matter universe or even destroying the Earth. His driving ambition is petty revenge against beings who are gnats compared to him. He has lost sight of what his goal ought to be, but more dishearteningly, the writers have lost sight of why he ought to be an imposing threat. Gone are his complex designs of multiversal destruction with nary a thought other than expanding his dominions. Now all we have is petty jerk with too much power.

No seriously, what is up with everyone's
peripheral vision?

Well, Superman-1 has had all he can stands, he can stands no more! Having lost his cousin and now one of his besties, he's determined to take Anti-Monitor out. And Lady Quark is right there with him. Of course, this makes it convenient for Superman-2 to knock the two of them out in one fell swoop. He hands them off to Superboy-Prime and with orders to get them through the portal before it closes. It's a suicide mission and a noble sacrifice that Superman-2 declares he's making because he has no reason to live without Lois-2.

The Anti-Monitor vs Superman-2 showdown is the battle we've all been waiting for. It feels visceral in a way very few fights against him have been save for Supergirl's. It's an interesting parallel that the best fights in the season were fought in the name of either saving or avenging a familial bond. Supergirl saved her cousin and Old Man Kent fights to avenge his wife being erased from memory.

Seriously, guy?

Of course, this far into the final boss battle, Anti-Monitor's life bar is probably at 45% and this is further exacerbated by the fact that he totally fell for a Trojan Horse scenario. It turns out when Team Mystic ensnared his shadow warriors, they infected them with some magical malware and left them all trapped where he would surely find them.

Closer to the portal, Alex Luthor's strength is waning thin, and Superboy's window of opportunity grows short. However, Superboy realizes that like Superman-2, he has nothing to go back to back on Earth, in fact even less when you think about it, and wants to aid Superman-2 in this last stand. So he just tosses Lady Quark and Superman-1 through the closing portal like a sack of potatoes as the portal closes, trapping him, Superman-2, and Alex Luthor inside as apparently Alex had to seal the rift from their side.

Ye gods, Ganondorf isn't even this hard to kill. Stay the fuck down!

For some reason, though, Alex's eyes begin glowing and feels a surge of energy within him, and soon we soon find out why. We watch the epic battle between Superman-2 and Anti-Monitor literally through Alex's eyes. As it turns out, so does Darkseid. Somehow, without having included himself in the story up until this point, he managed to learn enough about Alex's unique physiology in order to co-opt him into a cross-dimensional spycam.

Of course, Darkseid would only do something heroic if it meant
violating someone's agency without asking for consent.

Superboy rejoins the fight just long enough to get knocked on his ass. So it looks like it's still up to Superman-2, who slams him down onto a nearby planet and crushes him with an asteroid. So, Superman-2 is our big damn hero? Wrong, Anti-Monitor gets back up, bereft of his oh so clownish body armor. Although, oddly this time he is different in appearance than when Supergirl destroyed his previous chassis. Maybe the colorist ran out of magenta. He has tapped into the very energy of Qward itself in order to keep himself juiced up. If possible, he's even more desperately pathetic, declaring that he doesn't care if he has to die in the process as long as they all die in the process. Oh, for the love of Mike, why won't this guy die? Well, Darkseid turns his human periscope into a cannon, channeling incredibly potent presumably anti-life energy at Anti-Monitor, vaporizing him.

The Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
is laughing at you, ya jackass! 

So? Is it safe to wrap things up? Is Darkseid our big damn hero? No. Like any respectable final boss, his final form is even harder to kill than the first 3. This time, he's composed purely of energy. Superman-2, however, is all out of fucks and gives the real, for serious, "no really he's dead, guys," final blow, in what visually comes across looking like an anger-induced Super Punch. He knocks Anti-Monitor into the sun, causing it to explode, and it's only a matter of time before the shockwave ripples forth and puts them out of their misery.

He's here to suck on Werther's Originals and kill Anti-Monitors.
And he's all out of Werher's Originals.

The Superpersons are consigned to their fate, but Alex has another option. So, you know how he's a walking plot device? Not only does he have a way out of their impending doom, but he has solved Superman-2's overarching dilemma since the reboot. It turns out that Lois-2 is alive, and it's all because he protected her from the ravages of continuity reboots by hiding her in a pocket dimension inside himself and never mentioning it until now.

Ewwwww!!!!! Remember when I said he was a creeper?
Was I wrong? Nope! Ewwwww!!!!!

Okay. But wait! This resolution gets weirder. Remember way back to issue #1, you know, back when you could still remember what plausible storytelling looked like? Back on the good old Evil Mirror Universe of Earth-3, Alex's father Lex Luthor was his world's greatest hero, but who was his mother? Hm. That's right-- Lois. In a weird new take on Oedipal Complexes in action, Alex saves his other-universe mommy by putting her inside himself. Apparently, he knew the universe would be reborn. And once again, he never said anything.

The long thrust of the conclusion of their story is that Alex can't get them back home, but the four of them can go into pocket universe that exists within Alex and be safe. I assume Alex going into this pocket dimension is effectively the same as someone pulling their bottom lip over their head and swallowing. For now, however, let's be comforted in the fact that they get a happy ending... at least until Infinite Crisis comes around and gives me a migraine.

Logic takes a holiday.

The rest of the issue is mostly wrap up. Somehow, they manage to retcon Wonder Woman-1's death within the same issue that she died in, which I have to admit is a really fast turn around even by the terms of comic books. No, she didn't die. Instead... okay, what the book says happened and what actually did are different matters. The story makes it sound like Wonder Woman was regressed from woman to girl, to baby, to the clay of Paradise Island. For some reason, that also caused time, relative to the Amazons, to reverse to just before Diana's birth. In reality, Wonder Woman's new origin story happens later, so that she comes to Man's World later relative to the other DCU heroes' first appearances, positioning her as a new comer.

The resolution for Wonder Woman's story is apotheosis.
Just sayin'...

Meanwhile, Wonder Woman-2 is given a place to live on Mount Olympus by the gods. Effectively, this ingrains her on New Earth to the extent that she all but reaches an apotheosis. This, in a new timeline in which nobody has ever heard of Wonder Woman at all, and it installs her in a locus very much tethered to the story of the Wonder Woman series that comes out of Crisis. I'm sure this won't open any continuity plot holes moving forward at all. Nope. None.

Cured just in time for an opening in an ongoing series.
How convenient.

Memorials were made for fallen heroes such as Earth-2's Robin and Huntress, and Kole (whose bodies were never found), as well as Atlantis' Tula and Lori the Mermaid. Meanwhile, Wally West honors Barry Allen's memory in a different way by adopting his late mentor's identity by becoming the new Flash. Oh, and he's cured. Well, that was convenient.

Lyla talks with Pariah and Lady Quark, who are now confirmed BFFs4Life, explaining what I believe amounts to "any remaining continuity gaps we haven't touched upon are simply going to fix themselves." It gives me the sense that continuity hadn't finished resetting itself when they woke up last issue, but now that the Anti-Monitor is gone, the new timeline will solidify itself. The bosom buddies ask Lyla to join them in exploring their new home, and she accepts, now that her father's work is complete, she has a life to live.

"Simba, remember who you are. You are my son and the one true..."
Oops. Wrong cloud ghost speech. Sorry. 

We have a final page-long epilogue. Psycho-Pirate is back where he started, in a psychiatric institution, but this time he's in Arkham Asylum, which means he'll be out on the streets any day now. He yammers on about how he is the only one who remembers the multiverse, confirming the idea that even the heroes who remembered it earlier will forget the previous continuity by the time DC finishes publishing their new origin stories, such as John Byrne's Man of Steel (which unfortunately now shares a moniker with a pretty craptastic piece of Snyder. And by Snyder, I mean "horseshit.") Honestly, I'm not sure if this epilogue  was actually needed, but for a character that was such a sociopathic egotist and the only one complicit in Anti-Monitor's designs, it's actually pretty satisfying to see that final comeuppance. Also the effect of seeing someone who was promised so much, being panned away panel by panel until he vanishes from sight is quite effective.

The End

So, this is the first time in the blog that I've actually finally reached the end of a story arc. I figure this is my time to give my summary thoughts on the endeavor as a whole. I bet I could go on for ages about all my problems with this, but I'm aiming for brevity here.

Before I go into what's wrong with it, I do believe in giving credit when it is due. This could not have been an easy task. It had a seismic amount of continuity to shift about to get DC's shared universe where editorial wanted it to be. Additionally, it had to accomplish this feat even while DC's ongoing line was still publishing stories. Keep in mind that this story was a many-headed hydra with every head coiled around each and every single corner of DC's labyrinthine continuity.

It's also worth mentioning how avant garde this must have been in its time. Crossovers had long been a thing, yes. But never on this scale. The notion of the "Bat Family Crossover" wasn't even a thing yet. Most crossovers were simply between two titles, such as when JLA and the JSA would have their annual team-ups. And even then, a crossover almost assuredly never went on for a whole year or with such grand designs beyond mix in two sets of characters, sell more issues, and maybe tell a good story. This was ambitious and that cannot be understated.

As for my issues with this, a lot of my problems with this book can be summed up with a few bullet points.

• It's unfocused. The series is all over the place and good luck positively identifying a main protagonist in this story. It opts for a cast of thousands with as many pointless cameos as possible rather than zeroing in on a handful of protagonists for the reader to follow on this journey and get invested in. Quantity is confused for quality. Also, the series just fails to figure out what its big objective is. I can count no fewer than six smaller stories that make up the so-called event, one of which is honestly a huge distraction from the event and is so very summarily stopped dead in its tracks that it surpasses plot cul-de-sac and achieves plot escalator to nowhere.
• The length. Crisis somehow manages to feel threadbare and flabby simultaneously. There is a lot of padding in this series. Additionally, it feels less like one big narrative than two and a half events that have been stapled together. And even taking that into consideration, they still don't have enough story for the 12-issue length. Like I said earlier, this sort of thing had never been attempted before and I think they realized halfway through that there wasn't enough story to sustain 12 issues, which is why issues 8-10 feel like a distraction by throwing in Blue Devil's Bogus Journey, just chilling with the Teen Titans, and the utterly pointless and heavily built-up escalator to nowhere that was the united villains subplot. Arguably, the three sizeable acts of this story would have been their own events, or more likely two events with a tentpole branding, such as often happened during Bendis' run on Avengers.
• The villain. He's a cut and dry evil for the sake of evil baddie, which would have been just fine if he behaved as though he were on such a higher level than our heroes that he barely acknowledged their existence, but instead we end up in this weird situation where this very thinly written villain is effectively a Lovecraftian horror with a thing for dick measuring contests. He becomes that golden boy from high school who was the star athlete and student body president, was everybody's hero, and was offered a full ride, but at your 20 year reunion turns out to have completely fucked up his life beyond recognition, never left your home town, has a crappy job, and probably needs an intervention. 

Having said all that, it's an important piece of history both for DC and for the world of long-running shared universes, in general. It also manages to provide a diverse, if not exactly immersive overview of what DC's cosmology was like pre-Crisis. To a point, I don't think it's aged well, but this was still in the era when the comics industry was still shaking off the mentality that they were kids' stuff, and really had yet to be recognized as an artform in its own right, and the structure of the narrative reflects that. Of course, even by the time this series concluded, that attitude was being challenged by The Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen, which together changed the landscape of what comics were and how they were perceived. It can actually be argued that the continuity overhaul that Crisis was designed to accomplish also laid the groundwork for a shared universe that better reflected a modern sensibility of storytelling that Watchmen and DKR first keyed into with its audience.

Next Week: We finish up the less frustrating, but also less ambitious final issue of Uncanny Avengers volume 3's Plant Apocalypse arc. After that I think we might be about due for another cinematic palate cleansers before getting started on a couple new ongoing reading projects that are going to be a lot more fun.

The Evil League of Evil

After the past two issues, I had almost grown complacent, hoping that Marv Wolfman and George Perez had reached a new plateau in their storytelling. Alas, though, this latest issue shows us that we may have perhaps been on a brief reprieve. Or was it? I think this issue manages to relapse into being all over the place, but it still manages to maintain a focus in a manner that really shifts the reader's vantage point in a way that hasn't been explored in the series up until now. While, this issue reverts to form by being all over the place in terms of action, locations, etc., one could argue that in terms of narrative and perspective, this is perhaps the most focused issue yet.

The cover of issue #9 of Crisis on Infinite Earths is basically a team shot, villains edition. They're in a big stampede, with Brainiac's skull ship dominating the background and Lex Luthor leading the charge in the foreground. I don't have all that much to say about it because... well, half these guys are either really unfamiliar to me or I simply don't recognize them in their current designs. And there are a lot of villains. Maybe too many. I get that the creative team wanted to convey just how much of an impressive team of baddies that has been mustered, but it looks like the attempt to squeeze in as many as possible made it look a little messy.

We open up on Oa, home of the Guardians of the Universe, aka the little blue space jerks that are best known for quibbling over parliamentary procedure and being the Green Lantern Corps' bosses. It's here that we also meet for the first time in this event the literally red-headed stepchild of the Green Lantern characters, Guy Gardner. Going into this series, I have something of a frame of reference for him. The first trade paperback I ever read was The Death of Superman, where he was a member in the included issues of Justice League America. Additionally, Geoff Johns included him in some of the GL stories of his I've read, including Green Lantern Rebirth. Most importantly, this:

In-universe, Guy is the Green Lantern everyone can agree on... not liking. He is to Hal Jordan and John Stewart what US Agent is compared to Captain America. Both are still heroic characters, but filtered through the zeitgeist of the Reagan era which accentuated some more negative traits that goes with it. Such as jingoism, American exceptionalism and toxic masculinity. But where the contrast between Captain America and US Agent created an interesting discourse on what it means to be a hero representating of a nation's idealism, Guy compared to the other GL's more or less comes off as a bit of a jerkass and a cocky hothead. Although, I have a thing for jerkass heroes, as they tend to get a lot of the best lines (see also: Damian Wayne, Emma Frost, Namor).

Guy Gardner: Most Stylish GL.

It seems the Guardians, having previously offered Guy a position with the Corps are doing so again specifically to help deal with the events of Crisis. Guy declares that he always wanted the ring and confidently declares that no evil will escape his sight, as is the wont of any self-respecting corps member. It makes me wonder what has happened to John Stewart to necessitate giving Guy a ring (John's ring?) Sometimes it's easy to forget since I'm reading this series on its own 30 years out from its publication that it was still running concurrently to DC's regular ongoing titles.

So much for new hire orientation...

It's interesting to note that while John was basically wearing the same suit that Hal wore, Guy has a bit more flare. He's wearing a black-gray unitard with a thick turtleneck collar, chunky boots, gloves, and belt all three of which are accented by what look like either buckles or pouches (excessive buckles and pouches are to the late 80s/90s what needless piping is to today's design issues), and the bringing the look together is an emerald green sleeveless double-breasted bomber jacket with a GL emblem in the center. I won't lie, I like the jacket, but the other touches seem a little pointless. The suit is just a construct of the GL ring. Why are there so many buckles in a suit that doesn't actually require closures? The form isn't following the function when a function is non-existent. Also, a turtleneck? Seriously? Did he just happen to leave directly from a coffee house poetry reading? But this is fine. Silly, but fine. We are definitely moving closer to the ridiculous redesigns we'll see in the 90's but we aren't quite at ninjas wearing cyber battle armor quite yet..

How do we know Ganthet
didn't arrange their deaths
to do away with
pointless bureaucracy?

Guy's hasn't been inducted for a whole minute when a blast of energy coming from the darkness beyond Oa hits the planet with pinpoint accuracy, turning GL headquarters to rubble and dust. Guy, having survived his first full minute in the corps, is shocked to find that the Guardians are dead, having believed them immortal. One managed to survive, he goes unnamed, but due to his prominence in GL lore, I'd say he's probably Ganthet. He basically says, and I'm paraphrasing, "yes we're immortal, so any force that can kill all but one of us is a nigh-insurmountable force to be reckoned with. Enjoy your first (suicide) mission.

It's a redux of the cover.

I'd argue that the issue gets a little sloppy whenever this issue turns to the united league of villains, and you can pretty much take it as read at this point that the creative team is plowing through important plot points in order to position the greater DCU into where it needs to be for the sake of the event. However, because of this, it's also where the issue gets a little madcap, which is always fun. We find ourselves inside Brainiac's bigheadship, where T.O. Morrow is the last person to arrive at the party, having been teleported from the Watchtower and the entire guest list consists of villains. All the villains. All of them.

Running the background of the major events of the previous three issues, we've been seeing all these less-than-morally upright characters vanish into thin air, but the demands of a world ending crisis event has kept the heroes from pursuing or sometimes even noticing the disappearances. Finally, we get to see the fruits of this slow-burn of a plot point. They have all been assembled by Brainiac and Lex Luthor with the sole goal of, what else, taking over the world! All five of them!

On a sidenote, it's quite honestly equal parts baffling and amusing to see a version of Lex whose business cards clearly lead with "supervillain/mad scientist" in big bold letters and wears green and purple power armor complete with an ornate Egptian-style skirt. I think his post-Crisis reinvention by John Byrne crystalized him as a savvy legitimate corporate businessman (and later politician) who pull the strings at a distance and never gets his hands dirty. Pre-crisis Lex might as well be disco dancing in a rhinestone studded leisure suit for how charmingly retro he feels.

Alexie Luthor is about to get ejected from...

... The No Homers Club

When the Lex of Earth-2, who still has his hair but none of his sartorial flair questions who put Earth-1 Lex in charge, claiming he could out-science him and they don't need him, Brainiac concludes that he makes a logical argument that they don't need two Lex Luthors. It does not end well for red head Lex. On the one hand, it's an effective way to get everyone on-board, but on the other hand, destroying members of your talent pool just to make an example of him is just going to end up causing friction that will end up biting them in the ass. The last remaining Lex begins to dish out the plan as we cut to a different space-faring vessel...

A Tamaranian space Captain Karras and first mate/yeoman/possible sexual partner, Taryia are prepping for Koriand'r, aka Starfire, and two of her teammates from the Teen Titans to be beamed aboard. From what I can tell, from reading the first 9 or 10 issues of New Teen Titans, Tamaranians are the Deltans from Star Trek The Motion Picture spliced with Flash Gordon design aesthetics and given a fire/solar power gimmick. What that basically means is that they are sensual, relatively lack boundary issues, wear wacky space opera apparel, and can shoot energy beams... or at least Starfire can because she was experimented on.

Oh, right, that's probably important. Starfire was the princess of her people but was basically sold into slavery to spare her people from the terrors of a superior conquering force, who proceeded to make a test subject out of her, and I think heavily implied to have used her for sex, so I can't see a reunion with her people, who allowed those kind of violations as yielding a lot of fond memories. The captain and his buxom lieutenant hint at some very important responsibility that Kory will have when they arrive at their homeworld, but just leave that hanging for the time being.

Yeah, I looked these two up--
they're totally doing it off-panel.

In short order, Starfire, along with her teammates, Nightwing and Jericho. It's funny that the Tamaranians are very much cosplaying Flash Gordon but playing with Star Trek toys because that teleporter effect? Yeah, that borders on copyright infringement, complete with the rounded appearance of a Starfleet teleporter pad and kirby dots taking the place of the crystaline effect of Trek's transporters. I bet the longer you hang with the Tamaranians, the more you'll come to realize that they really are just a jumble of homages to other space-faring sci-fi properties.

It would be shameful of me not to point out that Nightwing is in his infamous first costume after changing superhero personas, which despite first appearing in the mid-80's is spectacularly disco. Not many men can pull off a deep V-neck AND the arch cowl from a Bela Lugosi Dracula cape, but Dick Grayson found a way. Although, with an ass like his, you can get away with a lot worse. I'm not quite as familiar with Jericho, but basically, he's the son of the probably New Teen Titan's most famous antagonist/uneasy ally/frenemy, Deathstroke the Terminator. He's mute (I think his throat was slashed during his childhood, which was probably pretty rough based on his pedigree), has possession and/or astral projection powers, can really pull of a killer mutton chops/jewfro combo, and dresses like he LARPs as a cleric. Oh, and I'm fairly certain his character met with both figurative and literal character assassination in the 90s because the 90s are why we can't have nice things.

Maybe it's not that she's open,
but that Dick was raised by Bruce Wayne.

Kory seems quite thrilled to be going home to the planet and family that sold her into human bondage with implied sexual implications and happily introduces Nightwing to the captain, whom I am guessing she just met, as her lover. Dick is taken aback, having forgotten how open and expressive Tamaranians are about intimate matters. It's adorably awkward. Also, I suppose it makes sense that he'd forget about that fact, since no doubt Kory has adapted to how she interacts with humans in the five years since she debuted, but can easily slip back into her instinctive manner of behavior when among her own people.

In hushed tones, but still heard by Jericho (does muteness give you superhearing a la Daredevil?) Taryia tells Arras that Kory must know, if she plans on taking her lover along. Because taking her platonic friend along apparently doesn't mandate transparency. Poor Jericho. The third wheel isn't even worth acknowledging, let alone factoring into making considerations.

Meanwhile, back on terra firma, Cyborg and Firehawk, fresh off the exploding Red Tornado debacle, are flying/leaping across Manhattan until the finally meet up with the rest of the Teen Titans, Wonder Girl, Kole, Changeling on a rooftop. Their conversation as they make their approach belies the fact that the provisional stability the five Earths have are not without their problems, as part of NYC seems to be in more flux than usual. There is a part of the city being referred to as the "Warp Zone," as 1984 was a hot minute before Nintendo permanently added the term to our collective subconscious.

Will there also be maps to the dinosaurs' homes?

On Earth-1, however, the Warp Zone is a place where the timey wimey stuff from earlier in the event is still happening. Dinosaurs and Zeppelins roam the land in this area where time is in flux, as we are informed amusingly in a page full of DC's science luminaries being interviewed with questions by DC's reporters. Surprisingly enough, the two most interesting interactions are from an evil pr reporter a good guy, whom we haven't seen the last of this issue. They both ask questions that in one way or another shows that maybe their head isn't in a place of well-balanced journalism. Jack Ryder's asking how a time anomaly will effect the crime element is a bit baffling, but Bethany Snow asks a a roboticist about the anomaly, a field that is outside his purview, and then getting smug about his inability to field her question. Yeah, that's one way to gain the trust of the viewing public. Guess which one is the bad guy.

Journalism at its finest.

In the grand scheme of this event, that's probably small potatoes, but since the New Teen Titans collectively are the protagonist on this issues B plot (note how little time I've thus far devoted to the main plot), we are concerned by Wonder Girl's husband being somewhere in the newly minted Anachronism District.

Consider your choices, 'Hawk...

Firehawk convinces Wonder Girl to let her keep her company in the search for her husband, Terry. Gar hits on Firehawk as they fly off. The two bond over the fact that Changeling and Firestorm are girl crazy. Even though Firehawk admits that on Firestorm, it works for her. Different strokes, as they say... Although, I really wish the caption as they fly off didn't tell the reader to follow their story in the next issue of Firestorm, I wish they'd accidentally ended up going to Earth-7642 (the DC/Marvel crossover Earth) and made friends with the Danielle Moonstar of this era, because Sunspot was similarly awful/wonderful in his youth. Although, bare in mind Changeling and Sunspot are still young enough in this era that you can chock it up to immaturity. Firestorm is a college student in this era. And a college student in 1984-- an actual adult. Ergo, I maintain that Firestorm is the worst.

Meanwhile, Clark Kent is reporting the news... and it's only now that I realize just how weird it is that Clark and Lois are tv reporters instead of print journalists in this era. I understand DC's efforts to keep their characters relevant to the times. It actually made a lot of sense, for instance, when the Clark of the New 52 was writing for an online news outlet. But seeing Clark behind a news desk is just a little unexpected. The whole thing about Clark, at least when he's in Metropolis, or Gotham, or pretty much anywhere besides Smallville, is that he goes out of his way to effect an unassuming demeanor. In fact he'd probably want to keep out of the direct spotlight, lest his face as a news caster and his face as the prominently featured news story both appear often enough that viewers start putting two and two together.

Probably neighbors with that Charlie Brown kid.

Now that I've tangented, time to start another tangent. Clark is finishing up a broadcast, telling viewers that Alexander Luthor will be meeting with the UN that afternoon. Meanwhile, his co-workers discuss how cold his delivery is and how he's been like this since Supergirl's death. Then, perplexingly, we cut to a panel of what looks like someone from whatever reality the Family Circus characters live in watching the end of Clark's broadcast. There is seriously nothing about this little boy's appearance or the pictures on his desk that suggest that he exists in the same shared multiverse. I'm not joking when I say he looks like a Sunday newspaper humor strip. I did some digging and found out that, no, this character is neither a pre-crisis DC character or one who will be folded into Post-Crisis DC. However, he was created by DC back in the days before the concept of shared universes was even a glimmer in Lee and Kirby's minds. His name is Bernie the Brain, a featured character in the book Sugar and Spike (the titular characters appear in the framed photographs, in exactly the position they'd appear above the title of their book. They were characters created by Sheldon Mayer, one of the earliest creators and editors of All-American Comics, which later became the company we now know as DC Comics.

The book briefly reaches into the past of Earth-1, where we catch back up with the characters from Haunted Tank and Our World At War in time for them the witness of wave of fushia energy. It's gone before they have the time to figure out what is going on. But the reader gets to see just a taste of what to come, as the same wave seems to be traveling further into the past. And the narration hints that it is a past that is ready to be changed. I'm not sure if this is phase umpteen of Anti-Monitor's evil plot or the actual fabric of DC's multiverse trying to knit itself back together into a cohesive hole, but either way it's sufficiently ominous.

Now, before we go further, I feel it's important to state that this point is the dime upon which this issue is going to radically turn. It is suddenly going to have a lot of momentum propelling it forward with a lot of smaller but interesting sub-plots to... just silliness. But I am worried I'll have less to say because the book becomes both cameo porn and very punchy punchy. I'm always going to be more about character building and plot progression than action. Sorry. There's less meat on the bone, but there is still some interesting stuff and I'll try to be fair to it.

As if we haven't already seen a horde of villians earlier...

For the first time in a few issues, we turn our attention to the three last minute sidequests Earths. Not only have we given them much thought, it turns out the hero community at-large hasn't either. After the mission into the Evil Anti-Matter Universe, it seems like all of The heroes from Earth-4, Earth-X, and Earth-S migrated to Earth-1, leaving their own worlds defenseless. As the old saying goes, "with great power comes... Eh fuck it, let's go hang out at the cool kids' house." And finally, we return to this issue's selling point. VILLAINS ATTACK!!!

And honestly, it's the part of the issue that I probably have the least to talk about, which is really disappointing, considering how long this subplot has gradually been coming together and how much the cover attempts to sell it. For now, all our baddies are only seen in shadow as we watch civilians being rounded up and a couple panels of the few remaining heroes of the 3 sidequest Earths possibly knocked out, but more likely totally deadskies. I am utterly incapable of ID'ing either of the fallen heroes, but I'm guessing as we get closer to the end of this maxi series, they are merely the first trickle in a flood of C-Lister deaths.

Meanwhile, in the UN, Pariah fails at adhering to dress codes. While addressing a cross-dimensional session of the UN, Pariah is still dressed like he's cosplaying as a sorcerer's apprentice, meanwhile Alexander Luthor is I a three-piece suit and Lyla is in a puffy fushia blouse with her hair in a bun. Did Pariah, just not get the memo about attire or is he stuck in what he was wearing when he broke the multiverse for the rest of his existence? 

The three of them a calmly, evenly attempting to keep the leaders of 5 worlds apprised of the current status quo of the story and it's honestly refreshing to see Pariah demonstrating a relaxed demeanor. But that can't last, can it?

While they are having this conference, Wonder Woman, in her Diana Prince persona, and Lady Quark, wearing a trench coat over the costume she was wearing when she arrived, are watching the proceedings on a display in the window of an electronics store. I can only assume that the reason the sole survivor of her dimension and an actual ambassador aren't in the UN assembly hall is because it would have been gauche for them to hold a private conversation in person.

A grudge for the ages... until the event resets continuity.

This is the second time on the same page that we have a character who has been trapped on Earth-1 for weeks, if not a couple months, and yet is still wearing the attire she arrived in. Unlike with Pariah, I can see no reason why she can't change her clothes, which makes me think it's either a) it's a containment suit for her powers, b) the denizens of Earth-6 are allergic to Earth-1's textiles, or c) it's the only thing she has left of the world she knew and can't bare to take it off.

The two discuss Lady Quark's vengeful feelings toward Pariah, for his indirectly causing the destruction of her world when he awoke the Anti-Monitor. Diana argues that she can't hold it against him forever, as it was an accident. Lady Quark concedes that someday she may forgive, but will never forget. I'd really be interested to follow her through her appearances post-Crisis because she is filled with justifiable anger, and yet is conflicted, and suffering an incredible loss.

Considering from what I understand, the Post-Crisis DCU exists as though it had always been that way, I wonder how the incorporate her backstory. Though, to be fair, as far as my research could turn up, she Lord Volt, Princess Fern, and the denizens of Earth-6 were created specifically for Crisis, so at least fans at the time hadn't had time to really emotionally commit to those characters. Wow. her whole planet existed just to die. Imagine a whole planet of Uncle Bens and Thomas & Martha Waynes just walking around, giving speeches about great responsibility and wearing pearls just in case their tragic deaths should come at any moment.

Good ol' Pariah...

Back at the UN, the questions delivered to the Crisis trio start to get a bit more pointed. Coincidentally, Pariah returns to form, has a bit of a freak out, and vanishes, declaring that the danger has not ended. I can't help but notice this just happens to occur when he's posed with questions about international/dimensional diplomacy that he can't answer and that shine a huge freaking spotlight at his terrible accountability track record.

Not to worry, though. Pariah's presence is soon after replaced with the gigantic floating head of Brainiac holographically being projected into the UN assembly hall. I'm sorry, but this is a just hilariously perfect instance of text book supervillainy.  I look at this scene and I can't help but think of the giant statue head of Thetis (Maggie Smith) in Clash of the Titans (the real one from 1981), crashing to the floor of the temple and declaring her demands for a virgin sacrifice. He gets the leader of Earth-1 caught up on what we already know-- that Earths-4, X, and S have been conquered by the Villainous People's Front. Or the People's Front of Villainy. Or possibly the Villainous Popular People's Front.


Brainiac leaves it to Lex Luthor to explain their demands. Luthor materializes (or is projected into) in the chamber, causing Alexander to be surprised that Lex Luthor looks so much like his father. Nine issues in and Alexander needs the concept of alternate realities explained to him. Hoo boy. Lex says that since five is a much better number than three, he demands that Earths-1 and 2 surrender to them or they will destroy the Earths that they do have. And I cannot help but think this is such an unadorned bluff. If Earths-1 and 2 refuse, and they make good on their threats, they'll have no Earths under their control.  Ye gods, this is so transparently dumb silver age logic. Of course, the five Earths being linked, them destroying the Earths they have will destroy all of them. Again, another flaw in the plan-- if all the Earths are destroyed-- where are you guys going to keep all your stuff? This is an incredibly dumb plan of last resort that the villains are treating like a master stroke. Lex, the supposed genius gives them fifteen minutes to come to a conclusion. Fifteen minutes for the united governments of two different Earths to make up their minds about the fate of the multiverse, whereas today, it apparently takes the US government of only one Earth weeks and weeks just to come to a consensus of who can use which bathroom. Let's hope 1984 wasn't an election year in the DCU.

This sort of victim blaming sounds like it would actually fly in today's culture.

Having heard this, Clark Kent finds somewhere private and busts open his shirt for the classic S shield reveal, then flies off declaring "this is a job for Superman!" I think this might be one of the last times that expression can be used without being twinged with irony because I feel like the DCU that we find after Crisis, is far more emotionally grounded. It's funny to note that he has on a Legion ring. Was this his from when he was Superboy (yeah, pre-Crisis, Superboy was just younger Superman and not a discrete character unto himself) or is he wearing Supergirl's as a remembrance?

The Creeper. Yeah, I don't get it, either...

Next, we cut to one of the reporters we saw earlier, Jack Ryder, transforms into honestly the oddest DC Hero I've come across in a while: The looks like the love child of the Joker and Kraven the Hunter. Based on what I learned from my reliable source, Dr. Internet, I get the impression that Creeper is a character that has been around for ages and writers will periodically keep trying to make him work, but he never seems to stick around for long.

Meanwhile, in 1917, an aviator notices that pink field in the sky from earlier. Just in case you were forgetting that particular plot point...

Back in the present, the heroes of Earths-1 and 2 attempt to break through a barrier that the villains have put up around Earth-4 while Alexander Luthor continues to argue with a UN delegate.

Wally's private time.

Then we cut to the idyllic little hamlet of Blue Valley, where Wally West, currently Kid Flash, hereafter known as Best Flash, is laying in bed in his boxer shorts reading a letter and eating an apple, where he is recruited by Jay Garrick, and Lyla. Because nobody believes in knocking the door. Being a teenage boy in his undies, Jay and Lyla should be relieved that he has an apple in his hand and not something else.

Lyla and Jay don't even knock.

And-- oh, my stars and garters. This is the first time we're seeing Lyla's complete new ensemble and I just want to know who she's taking to prom. I'm fairly certain I've seen this get-up during a screening of Teen Witch (kids, ask your parents about that seminal 80s classic). Lyla mentions that the Monitor's notes said Wally had a problem and a certain knowledge that they need. Jay Garrick says with Barry Allen being MIA, Wally's on deck and offers Wally his old ring. Do the Titans use rings too or is this his Flash-brand costume ring?

Jay proposes to Wally and a thousand shippers cry out in unison...

Wally is game, and one transition later, he and Jay are prepping a cosmic treadmill (just... just go with it), which will let an assembled army of heroes cross to the captured Earths. A page worth of cameo padding later, the two speedsters put their pedals to the metal and open up a rift which takes forever because this book is dedicated to the noble art of watching characters watching other characters doing shit.

From here on, the comic, is just a protracted fight scene and some more C-List fodder the most notable I can recall is Tula, aka Aquagirl. Earth-4 seems to have the most generic subjugation, although Chemo has poisoned the oceans. Earth-S has been turned into a frozen wasteland. Over on Earth-X, Poison Ivy (who either looks bland in general or bland when not a redhead) has initiated a floral apocalypse.

Oh, no. Not.. whatshername...?!

Firestorm's gonna get it.

Of course the villains get various moments to shine. the Joker taunts the Freedom Fighters now trapped in Ivy's vines, and the fact that Uncle Sam starts of his retort with the word "sonny," really just cements how dedicatedly folksy/charming he is. Meanwhile, on Hoth Earth-S, Killer Frost tells her other weather and ice-themed brethren that they cannot underestimate the forces that the heroes can marshal. And believe you me, I am waiting for Firestorm to get his comeuppance after going along with Frostie's mind rape and manipulation... and being a creep about it, too.

What is more interesting than the fighting itself is the narration, which is actually a conversation between Brainiac and Luthor, who are such chessmasters in this issue. All the other villains they've assembled are expendable pawns. Not just expendable, they expressly intend for both the rest of the villains and the heroes to either kill one another or burn each other out, making them easier to subjugate when Brainiac and Luthor will swoop in and win the day for themselves alone. Better the heroes take out some of the more deadly of their allies than have to do it themselves. Ye gods, the secret evil plan, is so much cleverer than the publicly announced plan.

Did you try shutting it down and
turning it back on?

Luthor notices that he's been monologuing for a while and he turns to Brainiac to see why he's so quiet. The machine man is very still but then starts sputtering red hot energy and kirby dots and explodes. In the wake of the explosion, Luthor is knocked to the floor. He looks around to find the big, glass-domed head of Psimon gloating over his cleverness and suspicious nature. And looking particularly  declaring that "Psimon says Luthor must die as well!" Yeah, considering my first toe in the DC waters after over a decade of being a Marvel purist was the Young Justice cartoon series, I really appreciate Psimon getting really creepy and calculating villain moments. Apart from the body horror that is the upper half of his skull, there is something horrifying about the whites of his eyes being blackened and his pupils glowing while as he stares down arguably the kingpin of DC's pantheon of villains after having just blown Luthor's only recognized equal to smithereens. Surprisingly enough, I think this is only the second time the issue hasn't ended with a big reveal splash page. Although, whereas with the final page of Supergirl's funeral, I kind of feel the team wanted to capture every moment of Superman laying his cousin to rest, in this moment, I just feel like they were rushed, less emotionally invested in this leg of the narrative, and honestly just wanted to get it over with.

Psimon:
B for villainy, A+ for villain speechifying.

It is a flashbang, both literally and figuratively for the issue's A-plot, but overall, the villains' story in this issue is not worth the slow burn of a build up it has received over the previous few issues. I imagine for someone who was reading at the time, seeing all the villians of the era was satisfying, but so many of the villains either aren't prominent enough for me to be all that familiar, did not make it it into the Post-Crisis DCU, or do not resemble the iterations with whom I'm familiar. They clutter up the page. It's not the only clutter. I honestly feel that there was very little story to the A-plot of this issue, so we are forever being distracted from the thrust of the story to see panel after panel of various characters' reactions to the main action. I'm sure for many people, part of the fun of crossover events, and to be fair, this was the first (or one of the earliest) such event of its kind, so the art of juggling such a huge number of characters wasn't quite there yet. For me, though, I need narrative flow. I would much rather see what we saw in issues #7 and #8, where we shift between a mere handful of POV characters between a distinctive A-plot and B-plot.

Speaking of the B-plot, and I fully admit that I'm being overly generous with that description, it's very much just a cobbling together of enough disparate characters' plotlines to give them a semblance of an emotional story to tell. Did we need to visit with Firehawk and the Teen Titans? Honestly, no. Did I enjoy their scene? Damn skippy. They wouldn't even be worth writing about except they manage to engage the reader, which is more than I can say for the villains. It feels like conflict by numbers, and a particularly silly one at that, since the villains-- even Brainiac and Luthor-- really ought to be pragmatists motivated by self-interest  and the last thing they should be doing on the brink of armageddon is forcing a conflict against the people who thus far have been the ones keeping the entirety of existence from being wiped out. It makes so little sense to me that I'm honestly questioning whether this entire issue was cooked up mid-way through production simply to fit the planned 12-issue format without truly thinking it all the way through. 

Okay, Crisis has me wiped out and I am in need of a break. Next week, I'm going to something much more of a one and done and with less thought involved. Maybe something cinematic. Some film I can dig my nuclear talons into and really rip apart... Care to join me in that particular quest for peace, gentle readers?