The Evil League of Evil

After the past two issues, I had almost grown complacent, hoping that Marv Wolfman and George Perez had reached a new plateau in their storytelling. Alas, though, this latest issue shows us that we may have perhaps been on a brief reprieve. Or was it? I think this issue manages to relapse into being all over the place, but it still manages to maintain a focus in a manner that really shifts the reader's vantage point in a way that hasn't been explored in the series up until now. While, this issue reverts to form by being all over the place in terms of action, locations, etc., one could argue that in terms of narrative and perspective, this is perhaps the most focused issue yet.

The cover of issue #9 of Crisis on Infinite Earths is basically a team shot, villains edition. They're in a big stampede, with Brainiac's skull ship dominating the background and Lex Luthor leading the charge in the foreground. I don't have all that much to say about it because... well, half these guys are either really unfamiliar to me or I simply don't recognize them in their current designs. And there are a lot of villains. Maybe too many. I get that the creative team wanted to convey just how much of an impressive team of baddies that has been mustered, but it looks like the attempt to squeeze in as many as possible made it look a little messy.

We open up on Oa, home of the Guardians of the Universe, aka the little blue space jerks that are best known for quibbling over parliamentary procedure and being the Green Lantern Corps' bosses. It's here that we also meet for the first time in this event the literally red-headed stepchild of the Green Lantern characters, Guy Gardner. Going into this series, I have something of a frame of reference for him. The first trade paperback I ever read was The Death of Superman, where he was a member in the included issues of Justice League America. Additionally, Geoff Johns included him in some of the GL stories of his I've read, including Green Lantern Rebirth. Most importantly, this:

In-universe, Guy is the Green Lantern everyone can agree on... not liking. He is to Hal Jordan and John Stewart what US Agent is compared to Captain America. Both are still heroic characters, but filtered through the zeitgeist of the Reagan era which accentuated some more negative traits that goes with it. Such as jingoism, American exceptionalism and toxic masculinity. But where the contrast between Captain America and US Agent created an interesting discourse on what it means to be a hero representating of a nation's idealism, Guy compared to the other GL's more or less comes off as a bit of a jerkass and a cocky hothead. Although, I have a thing for jerkass heroes, as they tend to get a lot of the best lines (see also: Damian Wayne, Emma Frost, Namor).

Guy Gardner: Most Stylish GL.

It seems the Guardians, having previously offered Guy a position with the Corps are doing so again specifically to help deal with the events of Crisis. Guy declares that he always wanted the ring and confidently declares that no evil will escape his sight, as is the wont of any self-respecting corps member. It makes me wonder what has happened to John Stewart to necessitate giving Guy a ring (John's ring?) Sometimes it's easy to forget since I'm reading this series on its own 30 years out from its publication that it was still running concurrently to DC's regular ongoing titles.

So much for new hire orientation...

It's interesting to note that while John was basically wearing the same suit that Hal wore, Guy has a bit more flare. He's wearing a black-gray unitard with a thick turtleneck collar, chunky boots, gloves, and belt all three of which are accented by what look like either buckles or pouches (excessive buckles and pouches are to the late 80s/90s what needless piping is to today's design issues), and the bringing the look together is an emerald green sleeveless double-breasted bomber jacket with a GL emblem in the center. I won't lie, I like the jacket, but the other touches seem a little pointless. The suit is just a construct of the GL ring. Why are there so many buckles in a suit that doesn't actually require closures? The form isn't following the function when a function is non-existent. Also, a turtleneck? Seriously? Did he just happen to leave directly from a coffee house poetry reading? But this is fine. Silly, but fine. We are definitely moving closer to the ridiculous redesigns we'll see in the 90's but we aren't quite at ninjas wearing cyber battle armor quite yet..

How do we know Ganthet
didn't arrange their deaths
to do away with
pointless bureaucracy?

Guy's hasn't been inducted for a whole minute when a blast of energy coming from the darkness beyond Oa hits the planet with pinpoint accuracy, turning GL headquarters to rubble and dust. Guy, having survived his first full minute in the corps, is shocked to find that the Guardians are dead, having believed them immortal. One managed to survive, he goes unnamed, but due to his prominence in GL lore, I'd say he's probably Ganthet. He basically says, and I'm paraphrasing, "yes we're immortal, so any force that can kill all but one of us is a nigh-insurmountable force to be reckoned with. Enjoy your first (suicide) mission.

It's a redux of the cover.

I'd argue that the issue gets a little sloppy whenever this issue turns to the united league of villains, and you can pretty much take it as read at this point that the creative team is plowing through important plot points in order to position the greater DCU into where it needs to be for the sake of the event. However, because of this, it's also where the issue gets a little madcap, which is always fun. We find ourselves inside Brainiac's bigheadship, where T.O. Morrow is the last person to arrive at the party, having been teleported from the Watchtower and the entire guest list consists of villains. All the villains. All of them.

Running the background of the major events of the previous three issues, we've been seeing all these less-than-morally upright characters vanish into thin air, but the demands of a world ending crisis event has kept the heroes from pursuing or sometimes even noticing the disappearances. Finally, we get to see the fruits of this slow-burn of a plot point. They have all been assembled by Brainiac and Lex Luthor with the sole goal of, what else, taking over the world! All five of them!

On a sidenote, it's quite honestly equal parts baffling and amusing to see a version of Lex whose business cards clearly lead with "supervillain/mad scientist" in big bold letters and wears green and purple power armor complete with an ornate Egptian-style skirt. I think his post-Crisis reinvention by John Byrne crystalized him as a savvy legitimate corporate businessman (and later politician) who pull the strings at a distance and never gets his hands dirty. Pre-crisis Lex might as well be disco dancing in a rhinestone studded leisure suit for how charmingly retro he feels.

Alexie Luthor is about to get ejected from...

... The No Homers Club

When the Lex of Earth-2, who still has his hair but none of his sartorial flair questions who put Earth-1 Lex in charge, claiming he could out-science him and they don't need him, Brainiac concludes that he makes a logical argument that they don't need two Lex Luthors. It does not end well for red head Lex. On the one hand, it's an effective way to get everyone on-board, but on the other hand, destroying members of your talent pool just to make an example of him is just going to end up causing friction that will end up biting them in the ass. The last remaining Lex begins to dish out the plan as we cut to a different space-faring vessel...

A Tamaranian space Captain Karras and first mate/yeoman/possible sexual partner, Taryia are prepping for Koriand'r, aka Starfire, and two of her teammates from the Teen Titans to be beamed aboard. From what I can tell, from reading the first 9 or 10 issues of New Teen Titans, Tamaranians are the Deltans from Star Trek The Motion Picture spliced with Flash Gordon design aesthetics and given a fire/solar power gimmick. What that basically means is that they are sensual, relatively lack boundary issues, wear wacky space opera apparel, and can shoot energy beams... or at least Starfire can because she was experimented on.

Oh, right, that's probably important. Starfire was the princess of her people but was basically sold into slavery to spare her people from the terrors of a superior conquering force, who proceeded to make a test subject out of her, and I think heavily implied to have used her for sex, so I can't see a reunion with her people, who allowed those kind of violations as yielding a lot of fond memories. The captain and his buxom lieutenant hint at some very important responsibility that Kory will have when they arrive at their homeworld, but just leave that hanging for the time being.

Yeah, I looked these two up--
they're totally doing it off-panel.

In short order, Starfire, along with her teammates, Nightwing and Jericho. It's funny that the Tamaranians are very much cosplaying Flash Gordon but playing with Star Trek toys because that teleporter effect? Yeah, that borders on copyright infringement, complete with the rounded appearance of a Starfleet teleporter pad and kirby dots taking the place of the crystaline effect of Trek's transporters. I bet the longer you hang with the Tamaranians, the more you'll come to realize that they really are just a jumble of homages to other space-faring sci-fi properties.

It would be shameful of me not to point out that Nightwing is in his infamous first costume after changing superhero personas, which despite first appearing in the mid-80's is spectacularly disco. Not many men can pull off a deep V-neck AND the arch cowl from a Bela Lugosi Dracula cape, but Dick Grayson found a way. Although, with an ass like his, you can get away with a lot worse. I'm not quite as familiar with Jericho, but basically, he's the son of the probably New Teen Titan's most famous antagonist/uneasy ally/frenemy, Deathstroke the Terminator. He's mute (I think his throat was slashed during his childhood, which was probably pretty rough based on his pedigree), has possession and/or astral projection powers, can really pull of a killer mutton chops/jewfro combo, and dresses like he LARPs as a cleric. Oh, and I'm fairly certain his character met with both figurative and literal character assassination in the 90s because the 90s are why we can't have nice things.

Maybe it's not that she's open,
but that Dick was raised by Bruce Wayne.

Kory seems quite thrilled to be going home to the planet and family that sold her into human bondage with implied sexual implications and happily introduces Nightwing to the captain, whom I am guessing she just met, as her lover. Dick is taken aback, having forgotten how open and expressive Tamaranians are about intimate matters. It's adorably awkward. Also, I suppose it makes sense that he'd forget about that fact, since no doubt Kory has adapted to how she interacts with humans in the five years since she debuted, but can easily slip back into her instinctive manner of behavior when among her own people.

In hushed tones, but still heard by Jericho (does muteness give you superhearing a la Daredevil?) Taryia tells Arras that Kory must know, if she plans on taking her lover along. Because taking her platonic friend along apparently doesn't mandate transparency. Poor Jericho. The third wheel isn't even worth acknowledging, let alone factoring into making considerations.

Meanwhile, back on terra firma, Cyborg and Firehawk, fresh off the exploding Red Tornado debacle, are flying/leaping across Manhattan until the finally meet up with the rest of the Teen Titans, Wonder Girl, Kole, Changeling on a rooftop. Their conversation as they make their approach belies the fact that the provisional stability the five Earths have are not without their problems, as part of NYC seems to be in more flux than usual. There is a part of the city being referred to as the "Warp Zone," as 1984 was a hot minute before Nintendo permanently added the term to our collective subconscious.

Will there also be maps to the dinosaurs' homes?

On Earth-1, however, the Warp Zone is a place where the timey wimey stuff from earlier in the event is still happening. Dinosaurs and Zeppelins roam the land in this area where time is in flux, as we are informed amusingly in a page full of DC's science luminaries being interviewed with questions by DC's reporters. Surprisingly enough, the two most interesting interactions are from an evil pr reporter a good guy, whom we haven't seen the last of this issue. They both ask questions that in one way or another shows that maybe their head isn't in a place of well-balanced journalism. Jack Ryder's asking how a time anomaly will effect the crime element is a bit baffling, but Bethany Snow asks a a roboticist about the anomaly, a field that is outside his purview, and then getting smug about his inability to field her question. Yeah, that's one way to gain the trust of the viewing public. Guess which one is the bad guy.

Journalism at its finest.

In the grand scheme of this event, that's probably small potatoes, but since the New Teen Titans collectively are the protagonist on this issues B plot (note how little time I've thus far devoted to the main plot), we are concerned by Wonder Girl's husband being somewhere in the newly minted Anachronism District.

Consider your choices, 'Hawk...

Firehawk convinces Wonder Girl to let her keep her company in the search for her husband, Terry. Gar hits on Firehawk as they fly off. The two bond over the fact that Changeling and Firestorm are girl crazy. Even though Firehawk admits that on Firestorm, it works for her. Different strokes, as they say... Although, I really wish the caption as they fly off didn't tell the reader to follow their story in the next issue of Firestorm, I wish they'd accidentally ended up going to Earth-7642 (the DC/Marvel crossover Earth) and made friends with the Danielle Moonstar of this era, because Sunspot was similarly awful/wonderful in his youth. Although, bare in mind Changeling and Sunspot are still young enough in this era that you can chock it up to immaturity. Firestorm is a college student in this era. And a college student in 1984-- an actual adult. Ergo, I maintain that Firestorm is the worst.

Meanwhile, Clark Kent is reporting the news... and it's only now that I realize just how weird it is that Clark and Lois are tv reporters instead of print journalists in this era. I understand DC's efforts to keep their characters relevant to the times. It actually made a lot of sense, for instance, when the Clark of the New 52 was writing for an online news outlet. But seeing Clark behind a news desk is just a little unexpected. The whole thing about Clark, at least when he's in Metropolis, or Gotham, or pretty much anywhere besides Smallville, is that he goes out of his way to effect an unassuming demeanor. In fact he'd probably want to keep out of the direct spotlight, lest his face as a news caster and his face as the prominently featured news story both appear often enough that viewers start putting two and two together.

Probably neighbors with that Charlie Brown kid.

Now that I've tangented, time to start another tangent. Clark is finishing up a broadcast, telling viewers that Alexander Luthor will be meeting with the UN that afternoon. Meanwhile, his co-workers discuss how cold his delivery is and how he's been like this since Supergirl's death. Then, perplexingly, we cut to a panel of what looks like someone from whatever reality the Family Circus characters live in watching the end of Clark's broadcast. There is seriously nothing about this little boy's appearance or the pictures on his desk that suggest that he exists in the same shared multiverse. I'm not joking when I say he looks like a Sunday newspaper humor strip. I did some digging and found out that, no, this character is neither a pre-crisis DC character or one who will be folded into Post-Crisis DC. However, he was created by DC back in the days before the concept of shared universes was even a glimmer in Lee and Kirby's minds. His name is Bernie the Brain, a featured character in the book Sugar and Spike (the titular characters appear in the framed photographs, in exactly the position they'd appear above the title of their book. They were characters created by Sheldon Mayer, one of the earliest creators and editors of All-American Comics, which later became the company we now know as DC Comics.

The book briefly reaches into the past of Earth-1, where we catch back up with the characters from Haunted Tank and Our World At War in time for them the witness of wave of fushia energy. It's gone before they have the time to figure out what is going on. But the reader gets to see just a taste of what to come, as the same wave seems to be traveling further into the past. And the narration hints that it is a past that is ready to be changed. I'm not sure if this is phase umpteen of Anti-Monitor's evil plot or the actual fabric of DC's multiverse trying to knit itself back together into a cohesive hole, but either way it's sufficiently ominous.

Now, before we go further, I feel it's important to state that this point is the dime upon which this issue is going to radically turn. It is suddenly going to have a lot of momentum propelling it forward with a lot of smaller but interesting sub-plots to... just silliness. But I am worried I'll have less to say because the book becomes both cameo porn and very punchy punchy. I'm always going to be more about character building and plot progression than action. Sorry. There's less meat on the bone, but there is still some interesting stuff and I'll try to be fair to it.

As if we haven't already seen a horde of villians earlier...

For the first time in a few issues, we turn our attention to the three last minute sidequests Earths. Not only have we given them much thought, it turns out the hero community at-large hasn't either. After the mission into the Evil Anti-Matter Universe, it seems like all of The heroes from Earth-4, Earth-X, and Earth-S migrated to Earth-1, leaving their own worlds defenseless. As the old saying goes, "with great power comes... Eh fuck it, let's go hang out at the cool kids' house." And finally, we return to this issue's selling point. VILLAINS ATTACK!!!

And honestly, it's the part of the issue that I probably have the least to talk about, which is really disappointing, considering how long this subplot has gradually been coming together and how much the cover attempts to sell it. For now, all our baddies are only seen in shadow as we watch civilians being rounded up and a couple panels of the few remaining heroes of the 3 sidequest Earths possibly knocked out, but more likely totally deadskies. I am utterly incapable of ID'ing either of the fallen heroes, but I'm guessing as we get closer to the end of this maxi series, they are merely the first trickle in a flood of C-Lister deaths.

Meanwhile, in the UN, Pariah fails at adhering to dress codes. While addressing a cross-dimensional session of the UN, Pariah is still dressed like he's cosplaying as a sorcerer's apprentice, meanwhile Alexander Luthor is I a three-piece suit and Lyla is in a puffy fushia blouse with her hair in a bun. Did Pariah, just not get the memo about attire or is he stuck in what he was wearing when he broke the multiverse for the rest of his existence? 

The three of them a calmly, evenly attempting to keep the leaders of 5 worlds apprised of the current status quo of the story and it's honestly refreshing to see Pariah demonstrating a relaxed demeanor. But that can't last, can it?

While they are having this conference, Wonder Woman, in her Diana Prince persona, and Lady Quark, wearing a trench coat over the costume she was wearing when she arrived, are watching the proceedings on a display in the window of an electronics store. I can only assume that the reason the sole survivor of her dimension and an actual ambassador aren't in the UN assembly hall is because it would have been gauche for them to hold a private conversation in person.

A grudge for the ages... until the event resets continuity.

This is the second time on the same page that we have a character who has been trapped on Earth-1 for weeks, if not a couple months, and yet is still wearing the attire she arrived in. Unlike with Pariah, I can see no reason why she can't change her clothes, which makes me think it's either a) it's a containment suit for her powers, b) the denizens of Earth-6 are allergic to Earth-1's textiles, or c) it's the only thing she has left of the world she knew and can't bare to take it off.

The two discuss Lady Quark's vengeful feelings toward Pariah, for his indirectly causing the destruction of her world when he awoke the Anti-Monitor. Diana argues that she can't hold it against him forever, as it was an accident. Lady Quark concedes that someday she may forgive, but will never forget. I'd really be interested to follow her through her appearances post-Crisis because she is filled with justifiable anger, and yet is conflicted, and suffering an incredible loss.

Considering from what I understand, the Post-Crisis DCU exists as though it had always been that way, I wonder how the incorporate her backstory. Though, to be fair, as far as my research could turn up, she Lord Volt, Princess Fern, and the denizens of Earth-6 were created specifically for Crisis, so at least fans at the time hadn't had time to really emotionally commit to those characters. Wow. her whole planet existed just to die. Imagine a whole planet of Uncle Bens and Thomas & Martha Waynes just walking around, giving speeches about great responsibility and wearing pearls just in case their tragic deaths should come at any moment.

Good ol' Pariah...

Back at the UN, the questions delivered to the Crisis trio start to get a bit more pointed. Coincidentally, Pariah returns to form, has a bit of a freak out, and vanishes, declaring that the danger has not ended. I can't help but notice this just happens to occur when he's posed with questions about international/dimensional diplomacy that he can't answer and that shine a huge freaking spotlight at his terrible accountability track record.

Not to worry, though. Pariah's presence is soon after replaced with the gigantic floating head of Brainiac holographically being projected into the UN assembly hall. I'm sorry, but this is a just hilariously perfect instance of text book supervillainy.  I look at this scene and I can't help but think of the giant statue head of Thetis (Maggie Smith) in Clash of the Titans (the real one from 1981), crashing to the floor of the temple and declaring her demands for a virgin sacrifice. He gets the leader of Earth-1 caught up on what we already know-- that Earths-4, X, and S have been conquered by the Villainous People's Front. Or the People's Front of Villainy. Or possibly the Villainous Popular People's Front.


Brainiac leaves it to Lex Luthor to explain their demands. Luthor materializes (or is projected into) in the chamber, causing Alexander to be surprised that Lex Luthor looks so much like his father. Nine issues in and Alexander needs the concept of alternate realities explained to him. Hoo boy. Lex says that since five is a much better number than three, he demands that Earths-1 and 2 surrender to them or they will destroy the Earths that they do have. And I cannot help but think this is such an unadorned bluff. If Earths-1 and 2 refuse, and they make good on their threats, they'll have no Earths under their control.  Ye gods, this is so transparently dumb silver age logic. Of course, the five Earths being linked, them destroying the Earths they have will destroy all of them. Again, another flaw in the plan-- if all the Earths are destroyed-- where are you guys going to keep all your stuff? This is an incredibly dumb plan of last resort that the villains are treating like a master stroke. Lex, the supposed genius gives them fifteen minutes to come to a conclusion. Fifteen minutes for the united governments of two different Earths to make up their minds about the fate of the multiverse, whereas today, it apparently takes the US government of only one Earth weeks and weeks just to come to a consensus of who can use which bathroom. Let's hope 1984 wasn't an election year in the DCU.

This sort of victim blaming sounds like it would actually fly in today's culture.

Having heard this, Clark Kent finds somewhere private and busts open his shirt for the classic S shield reveal, then flies off declaring "this is a job for Superman!" I think this might be one of the last times that expression can be used without being twinged with irony because I feel like the DCU that we find after Crisis, is far more emotionally grounded. It's funny to note that he has on a Legion ring. Was this his from when he was Superboy (yeah, pre-Crisis, Superboy was just younger Superman and not a discrete character unto himself) or is he wearing Supergirl's as a remembrance?

The Creeper. Yeah, I don't get it, either...

Next, we cut to one of the reporters we saw earlier, Jack Ryder, transforms into honestly the oddest DC Hero I've come across in a while: The looks like the love child of the Joker and Kraven the Hunter. Based on what I learned from my reliable source, Dr. Internet, I get the impression that Creeper is a character that has been around for ages and writers will periodically keep trying to make him work, but he never seems to stick around for long.

Meanwhile, in 1917, an aviator notices that pink field in the sky from earlier. Just in case you were forgetting that particular plot point...

Back in the present, the heroes of Earths-1 and 2 attempt to break through a barrier that the villains have put up around Earth-4 while Alexander Luthor continues to argue with a UN delegate.

Wally's private time.

Then we cut to the idyllic little hamlet of Blue Valley, where Wally West, currently Kid Flash, hereafter known as Best Flash, is laying in bed in his boxer shorts reading a letter and eating an apple, where he is recruited by Jay Garrick, and Lyla. Because nobody believes in knocking the door. Being a teenage boy in his undies, Jay and Lyla should be relieved that he has an apple in his hand and not something else.

Lyla and Jay don't even knock.

And-- oh, my stars and garters. This is the first time we're seeing Lyla's complete new ensemble and I just want to know who she's taking to prom. I'm fairly certain I've seen this get-up during a screening of Teen Witch (kids, ask your parents about that seminal 80s classic). Lyla mentions that the Monitor's notes said Wally had a problem and a certain knowledge that they need. Jay Garrick says with Barry Allen being MIA, Wally's on deck and offers Wally his old ring. Do the Titans use rings too or is this his Flash-brand costume ring?

Jay proposes to Wally and a thousand shippers cry out in unison...

Wally is game, and one transition later, he and Jay are prepping a cosmic treadmill (just... just go with it), which will let an assembled army of heroes cross to the captured Earths. A page worth of cameo padding later, the two speedsters put their pedals to the metal and open up a rift which takes forever because this book is dedicated to the noble art of watching characters watching other characters doing shit.

From here on, the comic, is just a protracted fight scene and some more C-List fodder the most notable I can recall is Tula, aka Aquagirl. Earth-4 seems to have the most generic subjugation, although Chemo has poisoned the oceans. Earth-S has been turned into a frozen wasteland. Over on Earth-X, Poison Ivy (who either looks bland in general or bland when not a redhead) has initiated a floral apocalypse.

Oh, no. Not.. whatshername...?!

Firestorm's gonna get it.

Of course the villains get various moments to shine. the Joker taunts the Freedom Fighters now trapped in Ivy's vines, and the fact that Uncle Sam starts of his retort with the word "sonny," really just cements how dedicatedly folksy/charming he is. Meanwhile, on Hoth Earth-S, Killer Frost tells her other weather and ice-themed brethren that they cannot underestimate the forces that the heroes can marshal. And believe you me, I am waiting for Firestorm to get his comeuppance after going along with Frostie's mind rape and manipulation... and being a creep about it, too.

What is more interesting than the fighting itself is the narration, which is actually a conversation between Brainiac and Luthor, who are such chessmasters in this issue. All the other villains they've assembled are expendable pawns. Not just expendable, they expressly intend for both the rest of the villains and the heroes to either kill one another or burn each other out, making them easier to subjugate when Brainiac and Luthor will swoop in and win the day for themselves alone. Better the heroes take out some of the more deadly of their allies than have to do it themselves. Ye gods, the secret evil plan, is so much cleverer than the publicly announced plan.

Did you try shutting it down and
turning it back on?

Luthor notices that he's been monologuing for a while and he turns to Brainiac to see why he's so quiet. The machine man is very still but then starts sputtering red hot energy and kirby dots and explodes. In the wake of the explosion, Luthor is knocked to the floor. He looks around to find the big, glass-domed head of Psimon gloating over his cleverness and suspicious nature. And looking particularly  declaring that "Psimon says Luthor must die as well!" Yeah, considering my first toe in the DC waters after over a decade of being a Marvel purist was the Young Justice cartoon series, I really appreciate Psimon getting really creepy and calculating villain moments. Apart from the body horror that is the upper half of his skull, there is something horrifying about the whites of his eyes being blackened and his pupils glowing while as he stares down arguably the kingpin of DC's pantheon of villains after having just blown Luthor's only recognized equal to smithereens. Surprisingly enough, I think this is only the second time the issue hasn't ended with a big reveal splash page. Although, whereas with the final page of Supergirl's funeral, I kind of feel the team wanted to capture every moment of Superman laying his cousin to rest, in this moment, I just feel like they were rushed, less emotionally invested in this leg of the narrative, and honestly just wanted to get it over with.

Psimon:
B for villainy, A+ for villain speechifying.

It is a flashbang, both literally and figuratively for the issue's A-plot, but overall, the villains' story in this issue is not worth the slow burn of a build up it has received over the previous few issues. I imagine for someone who was reading at the time, seeing all the villians of the era was satisfying, but so many of the villains either aren't prominent enough for me to be all that familiar, did not make it it into the Post-Crisis DCU, or do not resemble the iterations with whom I'm familiar. They clutter up the page. It's not the only clutter. I honestly feel that there was very little story to the A-plot of this issue, so we are forever being distracted from the thrust of the story to see panel after panel of various characters' reactions to the main action. I'm sure for many people, part of the fun of crossover events, and to be fair, this was the first (or one of the earliest) such event of its kind, so the art of juggling such a huge number of characters wasn't quite there yet. For me, though, I need narrative flow. I would much rather see what we saw in issues #7 and #8, where we shift between a mere handful of POV characters between a distinctive A-plot and B-plot.

Speaking of the B-plot, and I fully admit that I'm being overly generous with that description, it's very much just a cobbling together of enough disparate characters' plotlines to give them a semblance of an emotional story to tell. Did we need to visit with Firehawk and the Teen Titans? Honestly, no. Did I enjoy their scene? Damn skippy. They wouldn't even be worth writing about except they manage to engage the reader, which is more than I can say for the villains. It feels like conflict by numbers, and a particularly silly one at that, since the villains-- even Brainiac and Luthor-- really ought to be pragmatists motivated by self-interest  and the last thing they should be doing on the brink of armageddon is forcing a conflict against the people who thus far have been the ones keeping the entirety of existence from being wiped out. It makes so little sense to me that I'm honestly questioning whether this entire issue was cooked up mid-way through production simply to fit the planned 12-issue format without truly thinking it all the way through. 

Okay, Crisis has me wiped out and I am in need of a break. Next week, I'm going to something much more of a one and done and with less thought involved. Maybe something cinematic. Some film I can dig my nuclear talons into and really rip apart... Care to join me in that particular quest for peace, gentle readers?

See Barry. See Barry Run. Run, Barry, Run!

So yeah, after weeks of Crisis causing me nothing but terminal misery and snark, last issue was the equivalent of a post-coital cigarette. By narrowing the lens while maintaining the scale of their storytelling, Wolfman and Perez managed to tell a story in which  the noble sacrifice of one character is given more weight and meaning that they've so far managed to give to the potential destruction of the multiverse. The question now becomes was last issue a case of Wolfman and Perez finally hitting their stride or was it a glorious apex? With that in mind, let us examine Crisis on Infinite Earths #8.

The cover is not quite as good as the previous issue's, but it's still quite impressive. It's one of those covers which, like last time, is a bit of a classic. I don't think it's become quite as iconic as the death of Supergirl, but I think it's a motif that is repeated enough that it feels classic. We see The Flash in what appears to be a devastated cityscape with smoky red and yellow sky, standing over a knocked out Psycho-Pirate as he faces down an opponent. Said opponent dominates the foreground, his legs arching high over the Flash. Perhaps the perspective is a bit too low because  so that it appears like Barry is checking out his foe's package. Then again, the alternatives would have been to make the Flash look bigger, which would have taken away from the menace of the sheer size of his adversary, or lower the perspective, which would have resulted in there being a giant ass smack dab in the middle of the cover, which I suspect would not have met with CCA approval, as opposed to as it is, obscured by the title.

Could you at least face up while you
rant incessantly at him?

We open up on the Anti-Monitor's ship, and boy does it seem like Anti-Monitor's interior decorator must be getting tons of overtime. After Anti-Monitor finally found the light switch, it at first looked like your standard space ship with panels and view screens. Then last issue looked like a combination of ancient Middle Eastern ruins and Notre Dame de Paris as drawn by M.C. Escher. Now his hideout is composed of stone bricks, cyberpunk support beams and Kirby crackle. Like, 50% Kirby crackle. It makes you understand why Anti-Monitor had the lights off for the first 5 issues because that must be one burdensome electrical bill.

Not only does the Kirby crackle provide illumination, but it also seems to now be a method of containment, presently pinioning Flash with a series of glowing yellow tentacles that tether him into place in a doorway high overhead of his present jailer, Psycho-Pirate. Psy-Pi seems to be pre-occupied about his job security (and by that we mean "odds of survival"), blathering on to the Flash about how fearful he is about having failed Anti-Monitor in the one job he's been kept around for.

Misery is Psy-Pi's voice.

The Flash looks like he's in a state of constant misery. Whether it's because he's in full-body lockdown or because he has to listen to Psy-Pi's ramble on is purely up for speculation. Psy-Pi's prattling finally starts to eke out the very beginnings of a plan to turn on Anti-Monitor when who should appear at just the wrong part of the conversation but the Anti-Monitor...

You'll need to take him down before you can beat Crash Man...

And oh my god, he needs to fire his tailor because he looks ridiculous. I'll admit, I wasn't completely sold on his original design, but at least it had the virtue of being menacing and imposing. The more I look at his newly designed look, the more I think it's Air Man from Mega Man II trying desperately to look imposing. He seems to be aware of how silly he looks by reminding us that he needed to construct a new form since Supergirl broke his previous one. Because there's nothing classier than pinning your bad sartorial choices on your victims. It also doesn't explain why he just didn't build a better reinforced version of his previous look instead of asking Dr. Wiley to design something for him.

He allays Psy-Pi's fears, as though his new clown suit wasn't killing the tension enough, by telling him he still has his uses, so he won't be killed yet. That last word is probably pretty pivotal. Although, since he still loathes Psy-Pi, Anti-Monitor cannot help but mention that he would rather find anyone else with his specific talents if time weren't a factor. Seriously, I bet his employee evaluations are nothing but backhanded compliments. Under the "attendance and punctuality" heading, he'll write, "this pathetic, mewling worm would not dare be late or absent if he hopes to survive his employment."

In a battle of DC vs Coherent Continuity, DC wins every time.

We now turn our attention to Apokalips. I think cutting directly here from the previous scene does Anti-Monitor a huge disservice. The New Gods, and Darkseid in particular, are the DC's crowning representation of Jack Kirby's design aesthetic. Anti-Monitor was designed trying so hard to be Kirby-esque, but he didn't quite hit the mark before and certainly doesn't now. The subtext of this scene might as well be, "yes, this is what a real cosmic-level villain looks like." Now back to the Mega Man level boss... This scene's purpose is two-fold. Firstly, Darkseid explains that he is not taking an active part in this story What is it with characters appearing to explain why they aren't appearing? First Lois in Superman III, then the Amazons during the first half of Crisis, even Spider-Man when I recapped Uncanny Avengers. Do writers think they're pleasing us by showing us what would have been good? A tip for any writers out there: don't make references to much superior works in your stories. It just makes the audience regret the fact they are reading your works instead of theirs.

Secondly, Darkseid makes a statement that I cannot possibly imagine could be read as anything other than meta commentary. I imagine by now, DC's offices had been deluged with fan mail in protest of rebooting the entirety of the DCU and Wolfman was really having fun trolling them.

Back on Oa, we have finally caught up with the immediate aftermath of the explosion that happened two issues ago. Because the Oans are an efficient lot. Rather than get to business about the multiversal threat, the blue man group devolves into finger-pointing and bureaucratic squabbling about parliamentary procedures. The self-appointed Guardians of the Universe, ladies and gentlemen...

Bureaucratic quibbling from the folks who broke the multiverse. Well played...

Meanwhile, sort of, in the 30th Century, Brainiac-5 is cranky about the current predicament and none of his teammates can get through to him. That is all.

At least someone gets it. 

Back in the present of Earth-1, everyone's least favorite fire-headed misogynist Firestorm looks out across his (also my) home city of Pittsburgh's skyline. I can't honestly say I recognize it. Taking into consideration, I only relocated here in the early 00's, mayhaps it looked different in the 1980s... [checks the interwebs] Nope. So my guess is that either 1. Pittsburgh is different on Earth-1, 2. Perez didn't know Firestorm lived in a real world city when he was drafting (DC does have A LOT of fictional US cities, to be fair), or 3. Perez didn't have access to pictures of Pittsburgh's skyline because these were the pre-internet days.

Anyway, he's hanging out on a water tower, totally ignoring a pterosaur when he is joined by what appears to be his distaff counterpart (and possibly lover, unless "Hello lover" is just being used as a casual expression), Firehawk, who has finally broken the curse of unsettling theriomorphic themed costumes in this series. She has a feather-like wing cape and a bird's head emblem on her chest. That's all you need. I'm thankful at least one character knows that less is more. Firehawk might not be the brightest light in the heavens as doesn't grasp the point of pin the tail on the donkey hinges upon being blindfolded. But at least she seems to acknowledge Firestorm for what he is, and to be honest, I'm surprised CCA policies allowed for the word "jackass."

Put some ice in that wound, 'Hawk. (I regret nothing)

80s Fashion Maven

She teases him for his former power couple status with Killer Frost when she should be calling him out on what a jerk he was to her when convenient for Robby, he gets a message from Vixen, who has caught Red Tornado's evil inventor, T.O. Morrow. Important to note-- Vixen has hella Wolverine hair in this era. She honestly looks pretty fashionable overall. She more or less looks as she does today, but where her appearance differs is so very patently 80s. She has the aforementioned big hair, ankle boots, and a belt that seems to be a red low-slung circle belt. I think my mom wore one of those except in turquoise green. I know that red on yellow is probably a bit too garish today, but she's rocking it.

I've really only encountered her at this point through her appearances on JLU, although she has a solo tv animated series that's on my bucket list. I really didn't know what the scope of her abilities until I did a bit of research. I honestly feel a bit ashamed that I'm not better versed in her background. She's one of DC's most prominent DC heroines of color and at one point was positioned to be the first DC heroine of color until the DC Implosion of '78. As for powers, she basically has the same power modus operandi as White Tiger, granted animal-themed powers from an ancient mystical totem, but with the range of Beast Boy, and thus she can basically adopt and/or mimic the attributes of the entire animal kingdom both in existence or exctinct.

The three of them meet up on the Justice League's now-reinstated satellite along with the Teen Titans' Cyborg and Martian Manhunter, who are working on getting Red Tornado back up and running after the Anti-Monitor suped up his abilities to uncontrollable levels and and unleashed him on his friends. The Atom is shrunken down trying to help solve this problem from inside Red Tornado.

Loincloths over bodysuits
are all the rage in Europe.

For some reason, Ray Palmer's costume includes a long, flowing loincloth with an ornate gold belt hilted with a sword scabbard and complemented with gold jewel encrusted gauntlets. It looks like something out of a Swords and Sorcery narrative. It honestly piques my interest in the Atom (or at least the Atom story immediately preceding this, Sword of the Atom Special #1-2, because I have a fondness for the odd alchemy that happens when you throw a character into a genre that is clearly not their bailiwick and see what happens, such as a science hero in a Conan story (see also: the X-Men in Asgard; Captain America as a werewolf).

That being said, why is he wearing these things over his normal costume? He's clearly wearing pants. I assume he wouldn't be bothering with them if the crotch area had lost its integrity. In fact, it probably is a hindrance in combat because it's added weight that probably throws off his balance in normal fighting style. And probably gets stuck in doors and elevators all the damn time. Don't get me wrong, as a gay reader, I'm all for equal opportunity fanservice and comics can always use a few more scantily clad buff guys (not boys like Komandi and Anthro, whose loinclothedness makes me feel mildly uncomfortable) to even out the number of female characters running around in glorified bikinis, but this is just... incredibly odd stupid poorly thought out. What would have been an interesting redesign is a complete genre-specific redesign where the D&D elements were expanded upon. I think Ray Palmer would make a pretty good Paladin.

I also notice that the Atom is referring to Ray Palmer both as though he were another person and in the past tense. Sometimes, I forget that DC clings much closer and much longer to the secret identities notion much more stringently than Marvel.

Cyborg hates Tony Stark T.O. Morrow.

Atom can't quite grasp the tech he's seeing inside Red Tornado, causing Morrow to brag-- and ye gods does T.O. Morrow resemble early Tony Stark! I'm seriously wondering whether that was intentional, considering he appeared within 5 years of Iron Man's debut, they both are robotics geniuses, and both futurists. Is he supposed to be DC's evil Tony Stark? 'Cause Marvel's good Tony Stark does some pretty morally dubious shit on a whim... like, a lot. So evil Tony is kind of a scary notion.

This is why no-one likes you, Robby.

The visual Atom is transmitting on the projection screen surprised Morrow as it doesn't resemble what he built. Professor Stein tries to warn Robby, but Firestorm, as I've mentioned, is a freaking asshat and responds with snark. Ye gods, as much as I love Victor Garber on The Flash, at least going by his appearances in Crisis, I do not want to read more Firestorm stories.

Adorkable.

We cut to the beaches of LA and probably my favorite sub-plot of the issue. Green Lantern (John Stewart, to be precise) has come to recruit Blue Devil, who is laying out at the beach under and umbrella in teeny tiny swim trunks. Now, from what I understand, Blue Devil's whole deal is that he's pretty much a normal guy stuck in a special effects "blue devil" exosuit that grants him strength and an array of powers. So, it causes he to feel pretty baffled by a lot of the choices here. Wouldn't it be hot in the Summer sun in that thing? Why is he trying to tan his blue exosuit? Why is he wearing shorts? His whole body is a suit. Why would he want additional clothes on at the beach? Is his suit anatomically correct or is it just a way of feeling a bit closer to normal? These questions are never to be addressed. BD admits he thought that the Crisis was over, and to be fair, at that point, the average mini-series rarely surpassed five or six issues, so his confusion is understandable. It is a little endearing that he seems a little sheepish about it... that or being caught by effectively his co-worker in naught but a pair of thigh-high trunks.

Yeah, he probably wouldn't.

One costume change later and they are up on the Watchtower, where Morrow has recruited him as a last resort, since BD's self-designed bio suit is comparable to the sentient artificial life form in need of medical attention. Apples to apples, right? Having Blue Devil around would have been a good thing if Morrow actually had listened to him because BD picks up on something off just as Morrow removes Tornado's head causing his body to explode. Devil manages to save the not-so-good doctor away from the blast, while Firestorm manages to rescue Martian Manhunter. Firehawk's uniform is burnt up, but she's fine because this is a comic and fanservice is just something we've all learned to live with. She tells Firestorm to turn around what her powers materialize a new and more impressive outfit. Morrow breaks free of Blue Devil and makes a run for it, vanishing, and while chasing him down Blue Devil gets sucked into a wormhole. So much for that calm day on the beach he'd hoped for...

That'll make you think twice about coming in on your day off.

He winds up in the Vegan star system on-board the bridge of the Omega Men's ship. They seem to have been sucked into a wormhole and ended up here, too. I have no frame of reference for these guys, but I have to admit they do a fairly good job of letting you know what kind of person each of them is in pretty short order. Rynoc is the resident Worf, Shlagen is the Snarf, and Zirral is... um... she has really big hair, so I guess she's Jem. We don't have too much time to get used to them however when their space vessel starts to fall apart fairly rapidly, causing Devil to wonder how he's going to get out of this scrape, and obliging DC editorial to tell readers where to find the next chapter of his story. I really do miss the days of comic book footnotes.

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Back in the Evil Anti-Matter Universe (EAMU), the Anti-Monitor is overseeing a cannon that will destroy all five of the remaining realities. The logistics of a cannon that will destroy five entire dimensions simultaneously is probably something I should not spend too much time dwelling on, but suffice to say that is sounds really imposing the first time you read it, especially when coupled with the menacing closeup of the Anti-Monitor (stupid new costume notwithstanding), but with each successive pass the idea sounds increasingly implausible. Not only would the cannon need a profoundly wide range, but it would require a blast that vibrates on 5 different dimensional frequencies.

After six issues of captivity, this is satisfaction distilled.

I seriously wish he was rattling off a string of profanities
he learned from The Old Man. 

Despite some pretty worried thought balloons, Psycho-Pirate is being his usual flippant, cocky self towards Flash. I'm starting to think he might be a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is utterly self-interested and self-motivated, has consistently shown exactly zero interest in others' feelings or how his actions impact others (which is doubly impressive when you consider the fact that his powers are by nature empathic), and is pretty theatrical about pretty much everything he does, and always making himself the center of attention by playing to an audience whether or not one exists. Granted, he's a villain, but even by the metric of villains, he seems to exist solely to be a jerk. Darkseid is an imperious, master strategist with his entire planet and literally matters of life and death on his mind. Villains closer to Psycho-Pirate's pay grade have vendettas and objectives that bring them into conflict with do-gooders, such as fellow Monitor recruits, Dr. Polaris and Psimon, who still have their villainous flourishes in terms of methodology and dialogue (in this era, they tend to call people fools and dolts), but still manage to work cooperatively with the heroes when called upon in this series, because, well, the Earth is where they keep all their stuff. Psycho-Pirate seems to be driven solely out of a need for attention and/or sustenance. And considering he feeds off others' emotions, his sustenance is effectively attention.

Barry ain't fuckin' around.

Psy-Pi is about to go into another one of his sessions of taunting/emotionally torturing Flash when the scarlet speedster catches him by surprise, having freed himself from his captivity, he spins off his yellow tentacle bindings and manages to both sucker punch Psy-Pi and knock out the Thunderer (Anti-Monitor's home grown caste of overseers) on guard duty. Psy-Pi attempts to put the psychic whammy on Flash again, but after days and days of torment, it causes something in the Flash to snap and goes on a full-on "Ralphie vs Scut Farkus from Christmas Story" freak out, pummeling Psy-Pi in a flurry of fists and fury.

#Teapartiers #Trumpsupporters. 

Psy-Pi begs for mercy, offering to do anything he wants and Flash already has a plan in mind. He rapidly carries Psy-Pi around Anti-Monitor's lair, and inflicts Psy-Pi on each and every one of Anti-Monitor's Thunderers, turning each and every one of them violently against their master. During the distraction, Fearful of Anti-Monitor's retribution, Psy-Pi begs Flash to save him, as usual throwing himself in with whichever option is most convenient. But after weeks of torture, Flash doesn't have too many qualms about knocking Psy-Pi out and leaving him to his master's tender mercies.

Normally, this would make me think he's
being possessed or mind controlled.

Admittedly, this struck me as a bit of a dick move for his character. I'm so used to Wally (or live-action Barry with Wally's personality) being a hero that tries to see the good in others and is a bit quicker to forgive than he ought to be, especially when someone is already defeated or at their lowest ebb that I was genuinely taken aback by this jerkass moment. It seems to go against the "big damn hero" to kick your opponent when he's down, but then I consider how long he has not only been subjugated but psychologically tomented and effectively psychically raped by Psy-Pi using him as a source of sustenance. It's understandable why he doesn't give any fucks about him at this point.

A profound mixture of determination and resignation

Flash speeds across the base and finally comes to the anti-matter cannon, which looks like a cyberpunk gyroscope spinning around a globe of kirby crackle. I doubt I would have pieced together what, if anything, this was supposed to be. But as a practitioner of comic book science, Barry Allen knows right away what a huge threat this is (even if again, it is conceptually pretty silly) and concludes that he has to do whatever he has to in order to destroy it. And so the Flash turns to his signature problem-solving tactic: running. He pushes himself harder and faster than he ever has before in order to repel the energies of the cannon back into its source.

I think we could have subbed out Joker for
someone else he cares about in this kind of moment.

It's actually pretty impressive that even with all he's suffered since this series began and with being in the middle of what he he's doing he still manages to be both incredible introspective as well as keep himself focused on the mission. As a reader, you suddenly realize that he knew that this was both a Hail Mary play and a suicide mission from the moment he broke free of his bonds. He knew how heavily the deck was stacked against him. He's outnumbered, at least had to know he was far beyond reach of Earth, let alone his home reality, and considering the display of power the Anti-Monitor had shown thus far, he could only get so far by distracting him before getting caught again. What he's doing is going out on his terms, after days or weeks of subjugation, he's using his final moments as a defiant assertion of his own agency.

He successfully destroys the casing of the weapon, causing the energies to escape. Still his task is not at an end as he pushes himself so hard that time becomes askew and he starts getting flashes from the past of Kid Flash, the Joker, and Batman (the latter two were from their earlier scene way back in issue #2). I think this moment could have been expanded upon (we're coming up shortly on what could have been cut to make room) by seeing significant moments from his past, such as his marriage to and death of Iris, kissing Reverse Flash, gaining his powers, or mentoring Wally. What we see does reflect where he's popped up before during Crisis but they don't have the extra oomph that a "past flashing before my eyes" kind of moment ought to have.  I figure Wolfman and Perez opted for images that would tie it into the event better, which is understandable, since otherwise those previous ghostly appearances of him feel like big-lipped alligator moments.

Dying on his own terms in a just cause rather than
on his knnes at the Anti-Monitor's hands.

He succeeds in his mission, causing the mission to explode, but it seems that in the process that Flash pushed himself too far to save himself as we see him panel by panel become emaciated and ultimately vanish. I believe he'll later be said to have become one with the Speed Force, but I don't know if that's the original intent or a retcon.

Barry's sacrifice lacks the grand outpouring of mourning that Kara had, which is a shame for a character who had been such an integral part of the DCU for decades at that point. You think of the deaths of big A-listers, especially in DC, and you imagine the full pomp and circumstance funeral of a hero/funeral of a friend story, just as we had last week with Kara, but this time his death goes unsung. It's both sad and noble. Where it lacks the news coverage and a eulogy from Batgirl, the narration and the visuals provide an insight that let the reader know that this sacrifice will be felt even if it goes unknown, its impact will not go unnoticed.

This narration is almost as good as a big funeral with the entire Justice League. Almost.

Anti-Monitor is most displeased and gives the most stock of stock villain speeches. It might as well end with "Next time, Gadget! Next time!" It's indicative of one of the major failings of the character. As I said before, he's less of a character than he is a concept. He's the crux around which this story hinges, but his basic dossier of "more evil than the worst villain you can think of" pretty much sums it up." He's scary and foreboding, but I don't know what makes him tick, other than evil for evil's sake, which doesn't make for a very dynamic or all that interesting an antagonist.

And i would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!

Elsewhere on Earth-1, the Challengers of the Unknown, for whom I have no frame of reference and who serve no purpose other than acting as a Greek chorus to this issue's epilogue, are using their equipment in their non-evil mountain lair to scan for... stuff... in space... I guess. One of them asks about subspace readings that Superman had asked about. I don't think that was covered in a previous issue and I don't know if it will pay off later. Regardless, their ears are suddenly assailed by a scream of fantastic might that is something otherworldly. We turn the final page of the issue and there, looming massively over the five Earths of the remaining multiverse  is the Spectre, surrounded by Kirby dots and lightning, mourning for the fate of the multiverse and his impotence in the face of its doom.

Effectively, I think this issue should have ended two pages earlier. You had the noble sacrifice coupled with some beautiful narration, plus a coda for the silly foreboding threat of continual presence and greater danger from the primary antagonist. It was if not perfect, then at least incredibly good. But the story sticks around for another page and a half longer than it needs to and really feels like when you're hosting a party and want to go to bed around, but there are people who refuse to leave, and not even people you know-- friends of friends of friends. Even if I hadn't been reading the latter half of this issue later in the evening, I would have still been put off by the creative team stepping on the toes of the loss of a major character by scotch taping this bunch of randos as far as the reader is concerned for a requisite ominous final splash page. Hm. It just occurs to me that the previous issue (aka #7 aka the best issue thus far) is the only one that didn't feel compelled to include a cliffhanger final splash. Funny that...

This issue had an incredibly tough act to follow. Just like last time, it isn't a perfect issue, but again the highs of the issue as well as its sense of consequence in the actions of its protagonists make up for the issue's less impressive moments. That being said, I don't think this issue reaches neither the apex of Supergirl vs Anti-Monitor nor the nadir of 10 solid pages of primordial backstory. It is a solidly good example of storytelling.